September 20, 2015

Matt Damon

Matt Damon

Source: Shutterstock

The Week’s Most Dissonant, Insolent, and Ignorant Headlines

Actor Matt Damon is best known for being the exceedingly liberal and highly articulate sidekick of actor Ben Affleck, who is widely acknowledged as the greatest actor in cinematic history.

But the problem, you see, is that Matt Damon is a white man. What’s worse, he doesn’t even realize why this would be a problem.

Damon recently stepped into the cannibal’s pot with a statement that dared to suggest that when it comes to filling a job, the best person should get it.

At a recent filming of HBO show Project Greenlight“€”of which Damon, as part of his unconscious white privilege, is a producer”€”he had the gall and temerity to suggest in no uncertain terms that when it comes to casting a director for a film project involving a black prostitute, one should choose the most qualified person.

“€œMatt Damon is a white man. What’s worse, he doesn’t even realize why this would be a problem.”€

Effie Brown, a black female director seated next to Damon, acted as if she’d been kicked in the ovaries by Damon’s comment. “Whew. Wow. OK,” she wheezed as if she, you know, just couldn’t even, like, whatever.

Writing in Salon, Brittney Cooper”€”who, despite her first name, is a black woman”€”chided Damon for peddling a “staggering meritocracy lie”:

Damon took an ignorant and disappointing stand for white privilege….Damon plays the merit card. The merit card is the white equivalent of a race card “€“ it is the highest trump card, in a game of spades….The myth of meritocracy is one of the foundational and erroneous ideals of white supremacy….Matt Damon…could not stomach the proposition that [his] whiteness created critical blind spots that would prevent [him] from telling the story of a Black female prostitute with dignity and care.

Good point. When blacks make rap videos featuring white whores, it’s invariably done with dignity and care.

President Barack Hussein Fred “Rerun” Perry Obama has nominated the “openly gay” Eric Fanning to be the US Army secretary. If confirmed, Fanning would be the first verified faygele to assume this position.

“Eric brings many years of proven experience and exceptional leadership to this new role,” claims our mulatto Commander in Chief. Mr. Obama did not specify whether this “proven experience” includes felching.

Although Adolf Hitler is primarily famous for saying totally problematic and completely unacceptable things about Jews, one of his lesser-known accomplishments is that his German war machine fed its soldiers amphetamine tablets as if it were a giant anti-Semitic Pez dispenser.

Author Norman Ohler, who is German and thus was born guilty, has released a book called Der Totale Rausch which claims that the Nazis dispensed the methamphetamine-based drug Pervitin to soldiers to relieve fatigue and send them into battle all amped-up like Berserkers. Ohler says that German soldiers were supplied with 35 million Pervitin tablets for the attack on France alone. German general Erwin Rommel also reportedly gobbled Pervitin as his “daily bread.”


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