Aaron Alexis

THE WEEK IN RACIAL HYSTERIA
Horror and outrage struck Hartford, CT last week when it was revealed that 12-year-old schoolchildren on a field trip in the woods were forced to perform “a slavery reenactment that some parents said crossed the line.” The wacky educational brainwashing exercise allegedly incorporated elements of the Underground Railroad, slave ships, and liberal use of the ever elusive “n-word,” which at this point we must conclude is probably “nugatory.” Children were allegedly chased through the woods while being called nugatory. One mother bewailed the fact that her child was called nugatory during an official school exercise.

Emotional shock waves and a general public malaise greeted the news that the world-famous metropolis of Leith, ND”€”population 16″€”is possibly in the process of being taken over by white supremacists. Craig Cobb, 61, is said to be snapping up real estate in the Leith area and is allegedly planning to build either a park or a swimming pool to be named after one of his neo-Nazi idols. No mention was made of whether he intends to build a white-supremacist golf course, but we’re throwing that out there, anyway. (Just a thought.) Cobb is said to have already purchased 13 lots and has bequeathed one to White Aryan Resistance founder Tom Metzger and another to Alex Linder of the Vanguard News Network.

The word “jigaboo” has cost Little Rock police officer David Edgmon his job. A court upheld the officer’s firing over a 2010 incident where Edgmon, off-duty and visibly drunk, was videotaped telling members of a rap group “Get out of my fucking face. Get that illegal products fucking jigaboo shit out of my fucking face!” Edgmon claimed in court that he was unaware “jigaboo” is considered a racial slur. We call jigabullshit on that.

The word “dago” resulted in a pair of New Yorkers being banned from vending Italian comestibles from their Wandering Dago food truck at the Saratoga Race Course and Empire State Plaza. In an Albany courtroom, Brandon Snooks and Andrea Loguidice argued that this was an unconstitutional violation of their right to use the word “dago.”

Fifty years after Governor George Wallace famously blocked the front doors of the University of Alabama in resistance of federal desegregation efforts, sororities at the school are finally seeking black female recruits. Meanwhile, Hamilton College in New York state is hosting a “Dialogue about Internalized Racism” that is “open to people of color only.”

THE LIGHTER SIDE OF VIOLENT CRIME
Jennifer Mee, a schizophrenic Florida woman with Tourette’s Syndrome and a bad case of the hiccups, was convicted of murder for her involvement in a 2010 drug deal gone wrong. Mee, who had appeared on television numerous times before the murder to discuss her acute hiccupping, was alleged to have suffered a bout of uncontrollable hiccups at one point during her trial.

A black couple in Florida had reportedly planned to “catch a cracker” and rob him in order to buy tires for their car. They allegedly settled on a mentally disabled black man instead.

Possibly as the result of a stray bullet from a drive-by shooting, a 10-year-old Northern California girl was shot in the buttocks while sleeping and woke up suddenly in pain. Her parents mistook bloodstains in her underwear for menstrual bleeding. When she woke up in pain again the next morning, they noticed bullet holes in her bed and took her to the hospital.

In Russia, one man allegedly shot another with rubber bullets after an argument over Immanuel Kant’s philosophy had escalated. The shooter faces ten years in prison.

In South Carolina, a woman was arrested for allegedly stabbing her roommate and former boyfriend because he was continuously playing music by classic-rock band Eagles. He apparently told her to shut up after she told him he was playing too much Eagles music. That’s when things got ugly. One of the many annoying things about this band is that their official name is “Eagles” rather than “The Eagles.” They aren’t specific eagles; just some random ones. Whether that justifies stabbing someone is obviously a matter of personal preference.