Aaron Alexis

The Week’s Most Nonsensical, Reprehensible, and Indefensible Headlines

BLOODBATH AT THE NAVY YARD
A shotgun-wielding black man who was a part-time Buddhist that claimed to hear voices shot twelve people dead last Monday morning at the Navy Yard in Washington, DC. Thirty-four-year-old Aaron Alexis, whose name, quite frankly, sounds like it’d belong to a gay porn star or at the very least a Chippendale, was killed by police gunfire. A Navy official says that Alexis, a former anchor-clanker turned drifter turned mass murderer, had been cited for misconduct at least eight times. This included a 2004 incident where he shot out another man’s tires during an angry “blackout,” a 2008 disorderly-conduct citation, and a 2010 arrest for discharging a weapon within city limits. Regardless of the ample evidence that he was ready to blow a mental gasket, Alexis had a security clearance at the Navy Yard.

In a solemn, somber, sobering message on Twitter, actor Henry “The Fonz” Winkler decried America’s gun culture. And the world wept.

WISHING DEATH UPON THINE ENEMIES’ CHILDREN
Manifesting the elegantly restrained sense of compassionate humanism upon which leftists pride themselves, University of Kansas journalism professor David Guth Tweeted the following in response to the Navy Yard shooting:

#NavyYardShooting The blood is on the hands of the #NRA. Next time, let it be YOUR sons and daughters. Shame on you. May God damn you

Suspended as a result of the Tweet, Guth remained impenitent: “Hell no, hell no, I do not regret that Tweet. I don’t take it back one bit.” The university had previously censured Guth in 2010 for “unprofessional, threatening, and abusive behavior towards another faculty.”

In the drab, meth-soaked town of Sacramento, CA, Democratic Party communications chairman Allan Brauer wished death upon the children of Amanda Carpenter, a speechwriter for Republican Senator Ted Cruz of Texas:

@amandacarpenter May your children all die from debilitating, painful and incurable diseases.

Brauer went on to refer to Carpenter as “one of Ted Cruz’s pubic lice” and to Carpenter’s Twitter followers as “tapeworms that have slithered out of hellspawn @amandacarpenter’s asshole.” He later apologized.

PUTIN RAISES THE SAMSON OPTION
Amid all of America’s bluffing and blustering about Syria’s alleged chemical weapons, Russian President Vladimir “Lookit My Pecs” Putin raised a topic on Thursday that is so conspicuously absent from American media coverage, one would almost suspect it’s forbidden. It is widely suspected that Israel harbors a nuclear arsenal capable of obliterating the Middle East. Speaking at a conference north of Moscow, Putin suggested that neutering Israel’s nuclear capabilities should be part of any program to purge the Middle East of WMDs. The generally Jew-friendly Putin claimed that Israel’s alleged nukes “only make her into a target.”

Speaking of nuclear obliteration, the Guardian declassified a “secret document” last week that alleges the US Air Force accidentally dropped two hydrogen bombs over Goldsboro, NC in 1961. Luckily for North Carolinians and much of the East Coast, neither bomb detonated.

LADIES, GENTLEMEN, AND ALL THOSE WHO CAN’T DECIDE, PLEASE PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR AMERICA’S FIRST TRANSGENDERED HIGH SCHOOL HOMECOMING QUEEN!
Sweet little sixteen-year-old Cassidy Campbell, who to our eyes still looks like a dude, was crowned Marina High’s homecoming queen in Huntington Beach, CA on Friday night. Cassidy is America’s first transgendered high school homecoming queen and says that he/she/it entered the competition so that others such as him/her/shim can be “true to themselves,” which apparently involves hormone injections and surgical alterations of their genitalia. It is rumored that in winning the crown, Campbell beat out several contestants who actually have vaginas.

SHE MARRIED HIM FOR HIS LOOKS
Preternaturally sinister billionaire George Soros, who at 83 is still apparently able to achieve an erection when he isn’t crashing national currencies or busting national identities, has tied the knot for a third time. The lucky lady is an ice-faced rumored yoga practitioner half his age named Tamiko Bolton. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi is scheduled to attend the wingding, provided that her skin doesn’t finally snap off her cheeks from too many facelifts.

TWILIGHT FOR GOLDEN DAWN?
Greek government officials are attempting to outlaw the nationalist party Golden Dawn“€”variously described in news reports worldwide as “extremist,” “far-right,” “xenophobic,” “neo-Nazi,” and “extremist far right xenophobic neo-Nazi””€”after an alleged party member stabbed to death an anti-fascist hip-hop artist who calls himself “Killah P” last Wednesday in Athens. Attempting to link Golden Dawn to dozens of prior violent incidents, the legal reasoning behind the motion to ban their existence is that the group operates more like a criminal organization than a political party.