February 28, 2016
STUDY: WOMEN WHO DATE “SEXIST” MEN RUN RISK OF BECOMING “SEXIST” THEMSELVES
A study at the University of Illinois has reached the troubling, disturbing, problematic, and utterly unacceptable conclusion that women who date “sexist” men run the deadly risk of contracting the sexism virus themselves. Purporting to be scientific, the study divided “sexism” into two arbitrary categories”“hostile” (where gangs of frat boys high-five one another while gang-raping women in dark rooms covered in broken glass) and “benevolent” (where men are nice to women and get accused of being sexist anyway).
Conducted by Matthew Hammond“who looks like he wouldn’t even know his way around a vagina while wearing a miner’s helmet and armed with a pickaxe”the study reveals the foul truth that unsuspecting ladies who fall prey to the seductive wiles of benevolent sexists also become afflicted with the delusion that they are actually happier than they were as single, empowered, independent, man-hating, multiple-cat-owning feminists.
SMARTPHONE APP ENCOURAGES “REPARATIONS ONE MEAL AT A TIME”
Speaking of encouraging unempowered women to empower themselves in order to acquire so much power that they risk having their heads explode, a new smartphone app called Equipay empowers women to discard the pretense of equality and force male suitors to pick up more than half of any restaurant tab he may pay in his possibly fruitless endeavors to eventually bone her.
Equipay cites the mythical “wage gap” in justifying an application that computes how much less a gal should pay for her meal than her beau should. It was developed by feminist comedienne Luna Malbroux, who appears to have used the application to eat at least 1,000 meals.
“MAN” SUES STATE OF PENNSYLVANIA FOR REFUSING TO COVER HYSTERECTOMY
A “trans woman” attorney in Pennsylvania has filed a lawsuit on behalf of a “transgender man” client who claims that a chick identified only as “John Doe” suffered discrimination because the Department of Human Services refused to pay for her hysterectomy because, even though technically she’s still a woman, she claims she’s a man and thus wouldn’t conceivably need a hysterectomy in the first place.
Forgive them for their folly, O Lord, and keep them away from the kitchen cutlery.