February 28, 2016
The Week’s Puniest, Looniest, and Gooniest Headlines
BEN CARSON: BARACK OBAMA WAS “RAISED WHITE”
Narcoleptic presidential candidate Ben Carson suddenly awoke from a thousand-year coma to announce that our current president, Barack Rudy Ray Moore Obama, was “raised white.” Carson grew up in the Stone Age hellhole of Detroit, MI, where he was weaned on the sour milk of rabid female pit bulls, even though we just made up that last part.
After being called everything from Uncle Tom to Uncle Remus, the mild-mannered somnambulist doubled down on his comments:
I don”t think anyone would deny that someone who was raised in Hawaii by his white grandparents and then spent formative years in Indonesia with his white mother does not have the typical black experience.
We suspect that Carson is roundly hated”especially by blacks”because although he grew up under typical black conditions, he didn’t grow up to become a typical black.
PINT-SIZED ZIONIST ENCOURAGES HARASSMENT OF “RACISTS,” THEN GETS HARASSED BY “ANTI-RACISTS”
Ben Shapiro is an exceptionally tiny Zionist with the voice of a chipmunk and the heart of a neoconservative. He is the author of Bullies: How the Left’s Culture of Fear and Intimidation Silences America, which might lead a reasonable person to infer that he is repulsed by the Social Justice Warriors who seek to destroy human beings merely for expressing a diverse opinion.
Well, OK, kinda. But his “stance,” if you could call it that, is self-contradictory. Appearing recently on a talk show that just so happened to be hosted by another Jewish man”considering America’s demographics, the statistical odds of that occurring by chance are around one in 10,000″Shapiro fielded questions about attempts by young progressive witch hunters at California State University in Los Angeles to shut down his scheduled appearance on campus last Thursday. Shapiro has correctly claimed that “white privilege” is a myth; however, he draws the line at giving a pass to “legitimate racists”:
Of course there are legitimate racists, and we should target them, and we should find them, and we should hurt their careers, because racism is unacceptable.
Shapiro did not elaborate on who gets to decide what constitutes a “legitimate racist” nor who would be appointed Public Minister of Acceptability, but in both cases we suppose his answer would be “Ben Shapiro.”
On Thursday while Shapiro was delivering a speech at CSULA titled “When Diversity Becomes a Problem,” those rascally campus radicals pulled a fire alarm and raised such a ruckus that the pipsqueak firebrand had campus police form a protective “safe space” bubble around him while escorting him off campus.
Don”t whine, little man. You painted the target on your own back.
IN SEARCH OF HITLER’s PENIS
How much more evidence do we need that those who triumphed in World War II are the sorest winners in world history? Adolf Hitler has been dead for over 70 years, yet they still can’t resist poking his corpse. In addition to dubious attempts to prove via DNA testing that he was Jewish and the never-say-die rumor that he was beset with only one testicle, now comes extraordinarily sketchy innuendos that the Nordic gods had cursed him with a “tiny deformed penis.”
Naturally this was blasted all over the web last week by the haters of All Things White, who chuckled and guffawed and immediately linked the merest murmur of an instinct toward white self-preservation as the undeniable result of micropenis-induced compensatory rage. But an actual reporter who actually thought it actually might be a good idea to do some actual fact-checking contacted Emma Craig, coauthor of Hitler’s Last Day: Minute By Minute, the book whence the rumor originated. In reality, all Craig’s book had stated was that Hitler was “believed” to suffer from an undescended testicle and penile hypospadias. In other words, there was zero evidence to support this allegation. And since penile hypospadias is only rarely associated with micropenis, Craigie stated that any suggestions that the Fuhrer had a teeny weenie based on her book constituted quite a logical “leap.”
COMEDY FESTIVAL IMPOSES STRAIGHT WHILE MALE TAX
Because it’s hilarious to destroy comedy by constantly injecting it with fatal doses of Cultural Marxism, New York’s Cinder Block Comedy Festival is currently holding open auditions for everyone except straight white males. From now until March 15, aspiring non-straight-white-male-cisgender funnypersons have been pushed to the front of the pack in order to encourage “diversity” in what will undoubtedly be a knee-slapping hootenanny of a comedy festival. From March 16 until April 15, what the organizers call “token bearded white dudes” will finally be permitted to audition.
We encourage all token bearded white dudes to claim they are transgender women; if they aren’t permitted to prematurely audition like the rest of the oppressed freaks, they should sue this comedy festival out of existence for discrimination. It’s the only way to achieve social justice.