March 20, 2016
Source: Wikimedia Commons
The Week’s Most Lyrical, Empirical, and Satirical Headlines
HULK HOGAN BODY-SLAMS GAWKER MEDIA
Gawker Media is a massively successful digital pseudo-news empire whose apparent mission is to destroy the personal life of anyone deemed politically unacceptable by their almost entirely pampered and sheltered white staff. Gawker is helmed by Nick Denton, a prematurely aged 49-year-old English gossip queen who is married to a black man. Gawker’s editorial slant typically consists of eminently punchable white guys who think they’re black chiding other white people for being “racist.”
Thus it is with great delight that we announce that the journalistically reckless Gawker has lost an invasion-of-privacy lawsuit filed by Terry Bollea, better known to the world by his wrestling pseudonym Hulk Hogan. The suit hinged around Gawker’s 2012 decision to feature a brief clip from a sex tape involving Hogan and Heather Cole, wife of Hogan’s alleged best friend, whose professional name is Bubba the Love Sponge, if you could call such a name “professional” in the first place.
The bizarre and highly publicized trial included a segment where Hogan explained to the court that his wrestling character has a bigger penis than he does in real life.
Even though Hogan had requested a $100 million judgment, on Friday a Florida judge awarded him an astounding $115 million””$55 million for economic harm and $60 million for emotional distress.” That sum does not include possible further punitive damages.
After the verdict was reached, Denton vowed to appeal and expressed indignation that several pieces of evidence were withheld from the jury. Such evidence presumably includes the fact that Hogan is allegedly heard saying the word “nigger” a lot during the sex tape.
It provides us unbridled pleasure to watch these bitchy and cowardly sadists being forced to fall upon their own sword. Couldn’t have happened to a more deserving crew.
OBAMA’s CHOICE OF A SUPREME COURT NOMINEE UNMASKS HIS SHOCKING DISRESPECT FOR ETHNIC DIVERSITY
In an attempt to forever tip the Supreme Court toward the regressive monstrosities of progressivism, United States President Barack Kingfish Obama has nominated Merrick Garland to replace the recently deceased Antonin Scalia.
Garland is Jewish. We wouldn’t be making a point of that if he hadn’t. But in the Rose Garden when Obama announced his nomination, Garland made a point of claiming that his grandparents fled Eastern Europe because of its alleged anti-Semitism. (In case you were unaware, “anti-Semitism” is a stubbornly toxic disease that just so happens to afflict non-Jews wherever Jews appear on Earth throughout world history.)
If confirmed, Garland would become the fourth Jew on the Supreme Court. This would make the nation’s most powerful political entity 44.44% Jewish. Seeing as how Jews comprise about 2% of the population, this is a statistical overrepresentation of 2,222%. Some have alleged that Sonia Sotomayor”the Court’s token “wise Latina””is of partial Sephardic ancestry, which would make the Court roughly half-Jewish. But don’t you dare notice this nor mention it, lest everyone’s grandparents be forced to flee you.
After all, you remember what happened the last time a major global political figure started blaming Jews, right? That’s right”about 50 million non-Jewish whites died. Never again.
THE UNBEARABLE WHITENESS OF WEED
A white woman calling herself Amanda Chicago Lewis with apparently no awareness of how ridiculous that name sounds has penned a rampagingly silly “news” article for clickbait wormhole BuzzFeed about how America’s nascent legal marijuana industry discriminates against black people because in order to qualify as a registered vendor, you must have no criminal background, and lotsa black people have criminal backgrounds. The article relies entirely on hearsay from unnamed marijuana-industry sources and anecdotal claims from an unnamed black felon who claims he’s trying to go legit as a weed dealer but keeps getting smacked upside the head by a society that is tilted so heavily in favor of whites, you can pretty much kiss any non-criminal career goodbye if you dare to claim you’re white and don’t feel guilty about it.
IDAHO SHERIFF: MOST RAPE ACCUSATIONS ARE FALSE
Sheriff Craig Rowland of Bingham County in the beautiful and sorely underappreciated state of Idaho has earned the ceaseless wrath of anti-rape activists after making the following statements to a TV station in Idaho Falls:
The majority of our rapes”not to say that we don’t have rapes, we do”but the majority of our rapes that are called in, are actually consensual sex.
Although feminist dogma insists that false rape accusations are a myth, the evidence shows that these emotionally addled shrews are lying through their chattering teeth. Rowland’s comments were in reference to a state bill that would require Idaho law-enforcement officials to send “rape kits” to forensic labs in order to provide DNA evidence that a sexual assault has in fact occurred. We believe that the bill is a good idea”and that everyone who ever claims they were raped should immediately demand a rape kit test rather than waiting days, months, or even years to claim they were raped. DNA evidence should settle this dispute once and for all. Either that, or it will stop false accusations dead in their tracks.