March 30, 2015
The Week’s Most Peerless, Fearless, and Cheerless Headlines
SPRING BREAK 2015: MASS SHOOTING AT FLORIDA HOUSE PARTY
The normally placid Gulf Coast town of Panama City Beach, FL, was rocked by gunfire early Saturday morning during a house party in celebration of Spring Break. Seven partygoers were shot and wounded, three of them critically.
According to Bay County Sheriff Frank McKeithen:
This is what we’ve been trying to warn people about. It’s been a rough time and there are two completely different elements of spring break. There are the college kids who are here for their spring break, and there is the group of people drawn here because of them.
We have a vague idea of what the sheriff means by “different elements,” and frankly we resent what he appears to be insinuating. Anyway, 22-year-old Alabama resident David Jamichael Daniels was arrested and charged with seven counts of attempted murder in relation to the shooting. The first names of his seven victims: Kearria, Anesia, Devanta, Jacole, Kelli, Tykeria, and Henton.
“SODOMITE SUPPRESSION ACT” PROPOSED IN CALIFORNIA
A Southern California lawyer named Matthew McLaughlin has filed the legal papers and paid the $200 fee to propose a ballot initiative he calls the “Sodomite Suppression Act.” The bill condemns sodomy as the “abominable crime against nature known as buggery” which constitutes a “monstrous evil” that needs to be righteously quashed”with bullets if necessary:
…the People of California wisely command, in the fear of God, that any person who willingly touches another person of the same gender for purposes of sexual gratification be put to death by bullets to the head or by any other convenient method.
Well…OK. If you”re looking to suppress a sodomite, that’s one way to do it.
The sodomites are naturally outraged, with a pair of buggery-friendly bloggers calling McLaughlin “loathsome” and “devoid of basic human decency.” They characterized the ballot proposal as “evil speech” that has “no redeeming value” and is drenched in “immorality.” In short, they used terminology nearly as morally hysterical as McLaughlin’s. But unlike McLaughlin, we”re almost certain they’re serious.
CALIFORNIA TEACHER: “I JUST DON”T LIKE THE BLACK KIDS”
Joe DiFilippo, the vice principal of Fresno, CA’s Scandinavian Middle School, was put on paid administrative leave a couple weeks ago after a brief video was posted to YouTube that shows him telling a black student “I just don”t like the black kids.”
Of course this led to a Mau-Mauing the Flak-Catchers-style uproar in which emotionally inflamed students and parents gathered outside the school to chant quaint sayings such as “BLACK POWER!” and “I LOVE BLACK PEOPLE!” A young man named Jarious Lamar said the scandal caused his mother to lose trust in the school.
But last Wednesday”and this is surprising”a letter in support of DeFilippo signed by more than 30 local educators was delivered to a Fresno school board meeting. They argue that DiFilippo is a good egg and appear to feel that he was set up by student pranksters.
After several reviews of the video, we have determined that DiFilippo was merely joking around with a black kid”one whom he knew was filming him”by stating that he doesn”t like black kids. His main sin is having a sense of humor in a world that declares some topics are never funny, thereby making them a million times funnier.
THAT SWEATER IS SOOOOOOO GAY
Ottawa-based homosexual Jeremy Dias, who helms something he calls the Canadian Centre for Gender and Sexual Diversity, unveiled a “Gay Sweater“ at Toronto Fashion Week. Dias says that he hopes the sweater”which was designed by two females who meticulously wove it “from the hair of more than 100 LGBT individuals“”will somehow, um, raise awareness and cause people to stop using the phrase “that’s so gay” even though they mean no harm because, like, it’s hurtful and harmful and, really, will lead to violence and murder against gay people.
Of course it doesn’t make any sense. Still, it manages to be gayer than a milk jug filled to the brim with Elton John’s sperm.
FRUIT FIGHT!!!: ELTON JOHN V. DOLCE & GABBANA
Speaking of the world’s oldest rotting fruit, Sir Elton John recently clashed with Italian designers Domenico Dolce and Steffano Gabanna”who are by leaps and bounds the favorite expensive-handbag-makers for homosexuals the world over”regarding comments the latter had made about traditional marriage and surrogate babies.
Domenico Dolce had recently made the following statements in a magazine interview:
The only real family is the traditional one….You are born to a mother and father, at least that is how it should be. I call children of chemistry synthetic children.
Elton John, who owns two synthetic children, flipped one of his many wigs and posted this on Instagram:
How dare you refer to my beautiful children as “synthetic”….I shall never wear Dolce and Gabbana ever again. #BoycottDolceGabbana
Responding to the call for a boycott, Steffano Gabbana called Sir Elton “fascist, ignorant, unenlightened, and unwilling to tolerate any views that differ from his own.”
Then, after sufficiently venting their gay spleens, the trio of mincing fruitbars allegedly kissed and made up. Sir Elton was even spotted toting a D&G handbag in public again. His synthetic children were unavailable for comment.