Woodrow Wilson

Source: Wikimedia Commons

IF YOU GET GAY-BASHED, RUN INSIDE A STARBUCKS
The unfairly popular coffee magnate Starbucks made a giant corporate ass of itself this past spring by encouraging its baristas to engage customers in conversations about race. Not to be outdone in the realm of self-embarassment, Starbucks is now training its 2,000 employees at 97 Seattle-area locations to help gay victims of hate crimes by offering Starbucks as a “safe space” where they promise no one will call you a “Fag-a-Tron” or a “rump-wrangler” or a “turd-burglar” without the appropriate authorities being notified.

Therefore, all ye gay and transgender Taki readers from the Seattle area who have just been beaten bloody because you like it up the poop chute or have convinced yourself you’ve been born with improper, unacceptable, and problematic genitalia, run to your local Starbucks, where you can sip a pumpkin spice latte and be soothed by low-wage workers while the police are on their way.

JEWS VICTIMIZED BY “ANTI-SEMITIC EGG THROWING INCIDENTS” IN NYC
Although not all eggs are kosher, they are definitely not kosher when goyish hooligans are throwing them at you.

The world sits in stunned silence at the news that three Jewish males in Brooklyn were pelted with eggs in two separate incidents last weekend. The victims, Mendel Spielman, Osher Teitelbaum, and Tuli Haltobsky, are relieved to learn that two Italian teens have been arrested by the New York City Police Department Hate Crimes Task Force in relation to these heinous “Anti Semitic Egg Throwing Incidents.”

REUTERS POLL: TRUMP SOLIDIFIES LEAD
Over the weekend, a Reuters poll showed Donald Trump favored by 38.8% of likely Republican voters, with bumbling somnambulist Ben Carson a distant second at 14.7%. Jeb Bush scores even lower than the category “Wouldn’t Vote.”

According to researchers at Ipsos, “Trump’s candidacy taps into a deep, visceral fear among many that America’s best days are behind it.” Their research also revealed that 58% of all Americans “don’t identify with what America has become,” while 53% feel like “a stranger in their own country.”

PEW POLL: 40% OF MILLENNIALS APPROVE OF THE GOVERNMENT PROTECTING MINORITIES FROM “OFFENSIVE” SPEECH
A new poll by Pew Research Center reveals that 40% of millennials”€”that mewling generation of entitled, ethnically masochistic, and historically illiterate brats born after 1980″€”favor the government preventing people from making public statements that minorities may find offensive. This is troubling in light of the fact that many minorities these days seem to find all speech offensive, and we may see a future society where everyone communicates via pantomime.

Forget about any statements that the dwindling majority may find offensive, however. These young idlers seem to prefer panicking over poop-swastika hoaxes and false reports of the KKK on campus rather than the current reality of Black Lives Matter protestors disrupting campus life and screaming, “You filthy racist white piece of shit!,” “Filthy white bitch!,” and “Fuck you, you filthy white fucks!”