October 18, 2015
The Week’s Dreamiest, Steamiest, and Seamiest Headlines
M.L.K. RETURNS TO THE MOUNTAINTOP
The Right Reverend Holy Martin Lucifer King is a huge inspiration to rainbow-colored children across this great planet, and the fact that he was a plagiarist and a communist and a prostitute-basher and had an annoying mustache should in no way tarnish his reputation as the greatest man who ever blessed our solar system.
That’s why it brings us incredible joy”seriously, we’re so thrilled that we’re experiencing urinary incontinence as we type this”to announce that a new monument to MLK will be erected at the summit of Stone Mountain, where the evil KKK used to burn crosses and there’s a giant evil carving of the evil Confederate so-called “heroes” on the side of the mountain that really should be sandblasted off lest some pre-kindergarten black child somewhere gets their feelings hurt.
Although there are some details yet to be ironed out with the financially parasitic family heirs to King’s estate”after all, even though King plagiarized his “I Have a Dream” speech, his surviving family members still own the copyright to it”the unveiling of this giant erection will place MLK atop the trio of evil racist Confederate old dead white men who stain Stone Mountain’s smooth gray northern face like a giant herpes sore on an elephant’s hide.
And it really doesn’t matter that the State of Georgia has legally designated Stone Mountain as a strictly Confederate memorial and that MLK was not alive during the Civil War and thus doesn’t have a gosh-darned thing to do with the Confederacy.
Along with the new King memorial will come some sort of exhibit dedicated to black Civil War soldiers “of both sides,” and we’re hoping they finally do justice to the thousands of black Confederate soldiers, although we’re not holding our breath.
ORTHODOX “PRIESTS” POSE FOR HOMOEROTIC CALENDAR
Because gay people everywhere want people to accept them or they’ll blaspheme everything that’s sacred to you, some Romanian “activists””which is a word used to describe people who aren’t actually involved in any activity”have released a calendar featuring “really kinky” photos of presumably gay Italian men dressed up as Orthodox priests and cavorting in extremely gay ways with other men, one of whom is wearing a dog collar and posing over a food bowl. The calendar’s highly tasteful cover features Vladimir Putin and Russian Orthodox Patriarch Kirill dressed in drag in order to force everyone to embrace a “diversity of desires.” Would such “diversity” include a desire to physically harm them? A promotional video for the calendar can be viewed here, in case you’re the sick perverted deviant degenerate sort of subhuman scummy slimeball who’s into such things.
BLACK WOMAN NOMINATES BEN CARSON FOR “COON OF THE YEAR”
Anthea Butler is a professor of religious studies at the University of Pennsylvania and sort of looks as if she was the bastard love child of Whoopi Goldberg and a janitor’s mop. She once declared that America is ruled by a “a white racist god with a problem.” She recently garnered attention by calling black presidential candidate Ben Carson “coon of the year.” Her statement did not garner nearly the same level of public outrage and media attention as the University of Pennsylvania’s infamous “water buffalo incident” of 1993.
BLACK WOMAN SAYS THAT ONLINE DATING SITES DISCRIMINATE AGAINST BLACK WOMEN
Emi Kolawole is a black woman who could easily be mistaken for a black man. She recently penned a heartbreaking essay in the Washington Post bemoaning the fact that many online dating sites allow users to screen potential matches by race. She says that dating sites discriminate in particular against black women and Asian men, perhaps unaware that interracial marriage rates”as well as the law of sexually antagonistic selection”suggest that these two groups are the natural also-rans in the interracial-dating sweepstakes.
BISEXUAL JUNKIE DEAD ROCK STAR USED THE WORDS “NIGGER” AND “KIKE”
According to a new biography, recently deceased rock star and electroshock therapy casualty Lou Reed“who was a Jew, not that there’s anything wrong with it”once referred to Bob Dylan as a “pretentious kike” and told a journalist “I don’t like niggers like Donna Summer.” The book quotes Reed’s former colleagues describing him as “a stupid, disgusting, awful human being” and “the biggest prick I ever met.”