October 09, 2016

Bill Clinton

Bill Clinton

Source: WIkimedia Commons

The Week’s Most Spastic, Drastic, and Plastic Headlines

While the bombshell news story over the weekend was the possibly campaign-sinking release of a tape where Donald Trump says the words “pussy” and “tits,” several of Bill Clinton’s alleged sexual-assault victims took to Twitter and Facebook fuming with vaginal outrage that the spotlight had drifted away from them.

Kathleen Willey”€”who claims the former president grabbed her boob, which Clinton said was impossible because he doesn’t like small boobs”€”spewed thusly on Twitter:

The Hag has called us bimbos,sluts,trailer trash,whores,skanks. From one woman to her rapist’s victims.When will u resign from ur campaign?

Juanita Broaddrick”€”who claims Clinton bit her lip while raping her in an Arkansas motel room”€”tweeted:

Hillary calls Trump’s remarks “horrific” while she lives with and protects a “Rapist”.  Her actions are horrific….How many times must it be said? Actions speak louder than words. DT said bad things!HRC threatened me after BC raped me.

Paula Jones”€”who has a big nose and claims that in 1991 Clinton flashed her his gubernatorial shlong in a Little Rock motel”€”could barely contain her estrogen-fueled indignation on Facebook about Clinton getting his “wee wee sucked” in the White House:

I don”€™t recall that Bill or Hillary has ever apologized to me and Juanita Broaddrick or Kathleen Willey yet Bill was getting his wee wee sucked under the Oval Office desk and still won a second term, UNBELIEVABLE!

At press time, Bill Clinton’s wee wee could not be reached for comment.

“€œHurricane Matthew has killed over 300 people because he is a racist.”€

Everyone knows that the fundamental purpose of higher education in America is to make black people feel better about themselves while making white people feel worse about themselves. To facilitate this arduous and never-ending process, students at the University of Wisconsin-Madison are selling a beautiful red hoodie emblazoned with the words ALL WHITE PEOPLE ARE RACIST rendered in tasteful white (what else?) lettering.

According to the ad copy for the hoodie:

This is why white men created race in the first place—to maintain power. Racism gave birth to the idea of race.

You’ve got that backwards, Satchmo”€”race gave birth to the idea of racism.

These social-justice-addled collegiate entrepreneurs also sell sweatshirts boasting such adorably pithy sayings as YOU CAN’T BE A REVOLUTIONARY AND HOMOPHOBIC and ATTENTION! BLACK MEN: IF YOUR’E TALKING ABOUT DISMANTLING A SYSTEM, YOU BETTER INCLUDE PATRIARCHY. Catchy, huh?

Students undergoing orientation at James Madison University are receiving a seven-page handout intended to “create a safe and inclusive environment” by dissuading pupils from using 35 “dumb” expressions that include:

“€œI know exactly how you feel.”€
“€œThe same thing happens to me too.”€
“€œI don”€™t see color”€ or “€œI”€™m color blind.”€
“€œI never owned slaves.”€
“€œWe are the ones being discriminated against now!”€
“€œI don”€™t see difference. We are all part of the same race, the human race.”€

Indeed, how dumb would someone who never owned slaves have to be in order to say, “I never owned slaves”?

According to Aura Bogado, who writes for The Nation and whose name sounds like some sort of salted Peruvian lunchmeat, Hurricane Matthew has killed over 300 people because he is a racist:

The death toll in Haiti from Hurricane Matthew is 339. That’s what environmental racism looks like. #BlackLivesMatter

Earlier in the year, Bogado accused the game Pokémon Go of being racist, too. We here at Taki’s Mag think that she’s the true racist, but that’s probably because we’re racists.

A new Swedish law went into effect on October 1 prohibiting news outlets from offering identifying details about criminal suspects. Similarly, the European Commission on Racism and Intolerance recently instructed news agencies never to use the word “Muslim” when identifying terrorists.

But thankfully we live in an era where professional news agencies no longer completely control information. An anonymous source linked to a video that reveals three of five suspects in the recent hours-long rape of a wheelchair-bound Swedish woman are Muslim migrants. But based on the twisted premise that force wouldn’t be necessary for five assailants to restrain a handicapped woman, all five suspects were quickly released from jail.


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