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The Week That Perished

September 08, 2014

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Jennifer Lawrence

The Week’s Most Monumental, Detrimental, and Excremental Headlines

NAKED FEMALE CELEBS LEAK FROM THE CLOUD
Female Hollywood celebrities and the pissants who worship them as saints are shocked, outraged, incensed, and flabbergasted at what is being called “€œthe biggest celebrity hacking scandal in history.”€ Last week saw leaked naked and semi-naked photos”€”some of dubious authenticity”€”of Jennifer Lawrence, Kate Upton, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, and Victoria Justice, who were among 101 listed female stars whose personal photos were allegedly hacked and partially leaked to an eagerly salivating male adolescent public. (Photos of rotund black singer Jill Scott were also leaked to general disinterest, which was immediately blamed on “€œwhite privilege“€ rather than the idea that “€œshe’s too fat for anyone to care.”€)

Lena Dunham, the potato-shaped and hatchet-faced creator of HBO series Girls, routinely appears naked on her show and in photo shoots despite the deafening absence of any public outcry to see her naked. She has referred to the hackers and leakers as “€œsex offenders.”€ This is her opinion, although it’s close to an objective scientific fact that Dunham’s body and personality are sexually offensive.

The man-hating lesbians and she-males over at xojane also described last week’s leak as “€œSEXUAL ASSAULT,”€ but then again, pretty much anything that males do is sexual assault to them.

“€œFemale Hollywood celebrities and the pissants who worship them as saints are shocked, outraged, incensed, and flabbergasted at what is being called “€˜the biggest celebrity hacking scandal in history.”€™”€

In The Guardian, a decisively uncomely female specimen named Zoe Williams called the leak “€œa breach of privacy issue, clearly. It is a feminist issue, of course.”€ Of course.

“€œThis is serious stuff,”€ opined late-night talk-show host David Letterman. “€œI know it sounds superficial…but it’s a crime. You can”€™t do this.”€

But where were all these people back in mid-July when NSA leaker Edward Snowden claimed that government employees routinely shared naked photos of average American citizens? The most likely answer is that they were all in Obama’s back pocket, sniffing his butt.

THE RETURN OF COLORED DRINKING FOUNTAINS
Sweet Briar College is a small liberal-arts women’s school on a former plantation in Virginia. As part of this year’s freshman orientation week, the school hosted four performances of In Sweet Remembrance, which is written by a black playwright and appears to be yet another Guilt Whip designed to foment resentment in black students and inflict ethno-masochism among white ones.

On the morning after the first performance, someone affixed “White Only” and “Colored” signs on two doors and a water cooler at the school’s Meta Glass dormitory. Sweet Briar’s Interim President James F. Jones, Jr., initially speculated that the perpetrator may be “€œsomeone who is essentially bigoted and mean-spirited who would recall the Jim Crow days of separation, mirroring the apartheid of South Africa that summoned the calm voice of reason of Nelson Mandela to decry hatred.”€

Then Jones claimed he received an anonymous email whose subject header was “€œWith Great Remorse”€ and that read, in part:

My mission was to show others that words can still have an extreme impact, and the past still resonates with us all. While moving forward, we can never really shake the past. The past is a part of us and we are a part of the past.

It was eventually revealed that the email’s author was the student who placed the “€œWhite Only”€ and “€œColored”€ labels”€”a black female who has yet to be named and has since left the school. But when school curricula continually pound into people’s heads that “€œthe past”€ is the reason that blacks underachieve academically and financially in “€œthe present,”€ is it any wonder why this sort of thing continues happening? When will we see a university-sponsored theatrical performance which reminds American blacks that blacks in Africa are lucky to even have water fountains?

WHO KNEW THAT CUNNILINGUS WAS SO FATTENING?
According to the National Institutes of Health, a whopping three-quarters of American lesbians are overweight or obese, while gay men are only half as likely to be overweight as straight men.

Who cares? It’s obvious”€”the “€œresearchers”€ who have up to this point received nearly $3 million in federal funds to examine the issue care about this deeply. But even fat lesbians don”€™t seem to care.

Working with a yearly grant of nearly three-quarters of a million dollars, last year the researchers were only able to excrete one paper, whose stunning conclusion was that gay males had a “€œgreater desire for toned muscles”€ compared to heterosexual men.

This year the dollars that have been stuffed in their faces like so many Dunkin”€™ Donuts have led them to surmise that lesbians are fat-fat-fatties because they have lower rates of “€œathletic self-esteem”€ than straight women. This comes as a shock to nearly everyone who assumed that being lesbian was pretty much a prerequisite to becoming a female athlete.

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