November 16, 2010

missing asset:

missing asset:

Dear Delphi,

I am a 26-year-old boy and have a great girlfriend I really like. The problem is, I want to have some time with the boys but I can”€™t seem to manage. This is how the conversation usually goes:

Me: “€œI am going out to dinner with Jim and John.”€
Her: “€œGreat. I will go to dinner with Jill and Jane and we can meet after.”€
Me: “€œOK, if you want to.”€
Her: “€œOK, what time?”€
Me: “€œ10:30-ish.”€

Then she shows up at 10:30 on the dot. She just does not get it.

“€”Boy Time in Buenos Aires

Dear Boy Time in Buenos Aires,

Of course she does not get it! You have not told her she cannot come because you are going out with the boys! You are grossly underestimating how much she likes you. A girl who doesn”€™t really like you would not show up; she would analyze every word of your conversation and conclude you did not want her to come, and she wasn”€™t going if you wouldn”€™t sound all the trumpets and blow all the horns.

You have to be very clear with women who actually like you; they care much less about the bells and whistles. You said she could come and you designated a time; you gave her an invitation, plain and simple. Sometimes you don”€™t even need to supply them with an address; if they are determined and crafty enough, they can simply sniff you out like a bloodhound.

A woman who likes you is like a goldfish; they have the capacity to forget anything in less than two seconds. What she will remember from that conversation is, “€œI am going out to dinner before we meet up at 10:30.”€ Don”€™t try to confuse your happy-go-lucky goldfish with subtleties; they are a total waste of your time and energy.

Dear Delphi,

I broke up with my girlfriend about a month ago, but she will not go away. She calls all the time wanting to talk, and when I see her at parties she comes over and acts like we are still together. I really do not know what to do.

“€”Feeling Stalked in San Francisco

Dear Feeling Stalked in San Francisco,

A woman who thinks she still has even the slightest chance of getting you back is like a wart; try and try as you may to get rid of it, it always seems to pop right back up.

“€œA woman who likes you is like a goldfish; they have the capacity to forget anything in less than two seconds.”€

ANYTHING will give her hope. Whether or not you look at her or speak to her, it does not matter; she will find an excuse to feel hopeful regardless of what you do.

She must be dealt with as you would a pair of beloved-but-smelly sneakers you can no longer wear outside because the stench is too offensive. You can try to use spray deodorizer and you can put them through the washing machine 10 times, but the smell doesn”€™t go away. Sometimes the smell changes into an unfamiliar and almost intriguing new odor, but after one time around the block, the offensive stench is back.

The only way to deal with the sneakers”€”and the ex”€”is to cut off all contact. They may not be allowed in the house, you may not go out of the house together, you may not stand in the same room together, you may not communicate in any way. Then, and only then, after a sufficiently lengthy amount of time has passed, will you be able to resume contact without suffering.


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