December 01, 2010

Dear Delphi,

My wife told me that one of our family friends propositioned her last week at a dinner party, but she will not tell me who it was. In 30 years of marriage this has never happened before. I have tried and tried to get her to tell me who he is, but she refuses. She is protecting him, and it is driving me crazy. How can I force her to tell me?

“€”Desired Wife in Denver

Dear Desired Wife in Denver,

The problem is not who he is, but how will you react if you know. If she tells you, you would have to get out your caveman club and do something. Are you going to hit him, get him thrown out of the club, not invite him to dinner, or refuse to go anywhere he goes? Scandal will ensue, his wife will get involved, and she will insist it was not her perfect angelic husband but your slut of a wife that made the advance. She will plot an intricate and devious plan to reinstate her husband’s good name. In the end you will be forced to leave town because nobody will want to be friends with a lying, hallucinating drunk married to an easy, loose-lipped bitch.

Forget about the who and think about the why. Maybe your wife made the whole thing up to make you jealous. Maybe you are so handsome and charming that your wife felt she needed to reel you in before one of these dinner-party fawning female fans made a move. Maybe after 30 years of marriage you simply need to tell your wife she is beautiful and take her out to dinner.


Dear Delphi,

At what age do you think it is acceptable for a man to get plastic surgery, and which procedures do you think are the most worth my while? I am a 60-year-old man, and I think I need a change.

“€”Plastic? in Prague

Dear Plastic? in Prague,

At no age should men choose to have plastic surgery. Men age well, and some even get better-looking. Plastic surgery is a gift God gave to women, to be used only by women to make up for the fact that they age so very badly. On the other hand, men who suffer from extreme cases of man boobs and/or flabby belly need to get surgery”€”not as a matter of choice but as a matter of public service.

If you have man boobs and are not transgendered, you need plastic surgery. A good way to test if your man breasts are too big is to go to the beach. Tan standing up, tan lying down, tan eating lunch; it does not much matter. If at the end of the day the patch of skin directly below your man boob is still porcelain-white and untouched by the sun, you must get a breast reduction.

The flabby belly’s problem is not related to the actual belly’s size. There is nothing wrong with a big taut belly. The problem arises when your skin looks like a damp baggy sweatshirt sagging around the entire torso. This may happen if you used to have a big firm belly but took your metrosexual son-in-law’s advice and went on the South Beach Diet, or maybe you are simply a flabby person and always have been. Either way, get your ill-fitting flab shirt tailored.



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