December 01, 2010

Dear Delphi,
I want my husband to get a vasectomy. I don”€™t want to die before him and have him remarry some young hussy and have more children. I think this is more than reasonable, but he balks at the idea. What can I do?

“€”Vasectomy in Vienna

Dear Vasectomy in Vienna,

You are being more than reasonable. A vasectomy and a tubal ligation, for that matter, should have a place of honor in any good prenuptial or divorce agreement. If only the marriage vows could be refined, it would save everyone a lot of pain and suffering before, during, and after marriage.

The words “€œlove, honor, and cherish until death us do part”€ leave way too much room for interpretation. It would be much more clear and helpful if it read, “€œI promise not to cheat on you, not to hit you, not to hit or abuse our children, not to cross-dress or decide I am a homosexual, I promise to get a vasectomy (or tubal ligation), give the children all my money, and give you sole custody if I decide to leave you for a young tramp (or boy toy) or impregnate (or become) the hooker on the corner.”€

Unfortunately you were married with the old and ambiguous vows, so your only chance of getting your husband to get a vasectomy is to bribe him. Offer him money, homes, boats, planes, and a free pass for a week of sex with all the women for whom he has the time and stamina.


Dear Delphi,

I am a grandfather of four, and I get very irritable and anxious when my grandchildren come to my house. I worked hard to have the house I wanted with the things I wanted the way I wanted, and I don”€™t want them knocking things over, spilling, breaking things, moving things, or making a lot of ruckus. Isn”€™t it my right at this stage in life to have a little peace? Can I stop inviting them?

“€”Disgruntled Granddad in Devon

Dear Disgruntled Granddad in Devon,

It is your right to invite whom you like when you like. It is also their right to refer to you as Grumpy Granddad and strongly dislike you. Assuming you do love your grandchildren and don”€™t want to be despised by all, it could be very costly to stop inviting them over. As callous as it may seem, it will all hinge upon how much your house has to offer.

“€œThe words “€˜love, honor, and cherish until death us do part”€™ leave way too much room for interpretation.”€

It will be especially costly if your house has a pool, a tennis court, a big lawn, is on a pond, and has horses while your children’s houses do not. In this case your only chance is to spoil them wildly, spending much more than it would cost to replace a vase or a rug. It does not matter if they are two or 17; if and when you decide to see them, you must make sure it is fun and extravagant. You must make it so they never ask, “€œWhy are we never invited to Granddad’s house?”€ and your children never think to themselves, “€œBecause he thinks you are a nuisance.”€ This means a minimum of yearly adventure trips, various weekends in hotels, countless dinners out, and nice gifts every time you see them.

On the other hand, if your house is a shack without any amenities in comparison to your son’s or daughter’s house, you will not have any problems. You will not want them in your house, and they will not want to be in your house.


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