The Week’s Most Pensive, Offensive, and Hypertensive Headlines
GAY MAFIA HOBBLES “BAD BOY OF BALLET”
Ukrainian-born Sergei Polunin is considered one of the world’s finest ballet dancers despite the fact that he isn’t a homosexual. The heavily tattooed “bad boy of ballet”—his chest is covered with a fawning tat of Vladimir Putin—has leapt and minced and spun and high-kicked his way through the thoroughly faggy ballet world until recent anti-gay comments came and bit him in his scrotum-squashing dancing pants.
The Paris Opera dropped Polunin from its upcoming production of “Swan Lake” after the renegade heterosexual dancer went on social media to tell his gay cohorts to “man up”:
Man [sic] should be a man and woman should be a woman, that’s the reason you got balls….Females now trying to take on the man role because you don’t fuck them and because you are an embarrassment….[Gay dancers] need a good slap. Man [sic] are wolves, are lions. Man are the leaders of the family.
Despite his public defenestration at the hands of the gay mafia, an impenitent Polunin went on Instrgram Friday to shame all the fatsos and fatties out there:
Let’s slap fat people when you see them. It will help them and encourage them to lose some fat. No respect for laziness!
It is our expert opinion that the ballet world can do with a heck of a lot more homophobia. We’re not so sure about the fat-shaming, because at least most of them tend to keep their waistlines under control. But opera? Opera can use a ton more fat-shaming.
HAWAII CONGRESSMAN SAYS HE’S AN “ASIAN TRAPPED IN A WHITE BODY”
Hawaiian Democratic Congressman Ed Case recently appeared at an event designed to celebrate the existence of Asian-American and Pacific Islander—the latter of whom are basically very fat Asians—members of Congress last Tuesday.
We will take a brief detour to note that Congressman Steve King was almost unanimously censured by Congress last week for daring to ask when “white nationalist” became an offensive term. We will also note that there is no such thing as a Congressional White Caucus, yet somehow it is considered a bold act of anti-racism to have groups that celebrate the existence of Asian Congresspeeps and Very Fat Asian Congresspeeps.
In an apparent attempt to suck up to all the slants and slopes that were attending the event, Case told them that he is an “Asian trapped in a white body.”
We wish that the Asians and the Very Fat Asians would take people such as Ed Case, but they don’t want him, either. For now, Ed Case wanders the raceless hinterlands, alone, unwanted, and without an identity.
PHILLY COP SUES BECAUSE OTHER COPS CALL HIM “DAGO”
If you’ve had to spend a lot of time around Italians, you might not like them, either.
However, in the City of Brother Love—the most ironically named town in world history, since it teems with rageballs, psychopaths, and sports fans who throw snowballs at Santa Claus—an Italian American bike cop named Daniel Leone is suing the city because he alleges that his higher-ups allowed other cops to repeatedly call him a “dago.”
According to the lawsuit, Leone’s police district has a pervasive “anti-Italian sentiment.” It alleges that when the 47-year-old Leone complained to a lieutenant that other officers were taunting him for being a hairy monkey-ass greaseball mulignon, the official “averred that South Philly Italians are nothing but loud mouths [sic] and know-it-alls.” It further purports that when Leone brought in Italian wine for Christmas a few years ago, one of his fellow officers said, “Man I love dago wine,” which to us sounds like a bit of a compliment, no?
The suit also says that when Leone complained about the racial harassment, a higher-up scoffed and told him that “white people can’t make complaints about discrimination.”
You’ve heard the joke about Italian cars, right? Dago fast.
“FAKE NEWS” STUDY RETRACTED FOR BEING FAKE
A viral study published last year in the Journal of Human Behavior covering the phenomenon of “fake news” has been retracted because the researchers realized that their conclusion was fake.
There’s really nothing else to say about this story beyond the fact that online “discourse” appears to consist of nothing beyond screeching ad-hominem attacks and ceaseless accusations that one said is fake and the other side is real.
As far as we can tell, it’s all fake. If you read something online, assume it’s fake—everything except this website, of course.
GERMAN NATIVIST PARTY TO BE PLACED ON SPIES WATCH LIST
Last week we covered how the leader of Germany’s sole nativist party—which is routinely mischaracterized as a “far-right” party by the establishment left—was knocked unconscious by a trio of leftist thugs and how one of the party’s offices was bombed.
Now comes news that Germany’s domestic intelligence agency, prodded by Jewish activists whose emotions became inflamed when the party’s co-leader called the Holocaust a “speck of bird mess” on a thousand years of German history, are placing the party on a spies’ watch list ostensibly to scare normal Germans who want a normal Germany from joining this perfectly sensible yet somehow “extremist” party.
The International Auschwitz Committee applauded the decision. Just throwin’ that out there. We didn’t even know there was an International Auschwitz Committee, but we suspect that their meetings are a real hootenanny.
UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS URGES STUDENTS TO REPORT “ACTS OF INTOLERANCE”
Following in the Stalinist footsteps of so many other universities nationwide—and let us pause to note that since Stalin was only 5’6”, his footsteps must not have been very large—the University of Illinois is urging its students to snitch on any other students who may have committed the crime of wrongthink.
According to the school’s Bias Assessment and Response Team—lawdy knows how much money this entirely unnecessary Hate Squad is costing in terms of jacked-up tuition prices merely to shame white students—all “acts of intolerance” should be reported to the campus police. When grilled about exactly what constitutes “bias,” the Thought Police defined it thusly:
…actions or expressions that are motivated, at least in part, by prejudice against or hostility toward a person (or group) because of that person’s (or group’s) actual or perceived age, disability/ability status, ethnicity, gender, gender identity/expression, national origin, race, religion/spirituality, sexual orientation, socioeconomic class, etc.
Way to take all the fun out of everything, guys.
WHITE COMEDIAN BANNED FOR HIS RACIST DREADLOCKS
Zach Poitras is a white comedian in Montreal who has committed the unforgivable sin of having dreadlocks. Mind you, although we realize that this disgusting hairdo trend originated in the “black community,” it makes people of all colors look like they have dried turds hanging from their heads. We do not discriminate when it comes to hating dreadlocks.
However, Poitras, has been prevented from performing at a local “bar and solidarity cooperative”—sounds like a REAL FUN place—because he committed the crime of “cultural appropriation” by wearing his hair in that visually and olfactorily repugnant style.
He has been denied a spot at the Snowflake Comedy Club—yes, that’s the real name, we’re not making it up—because the group that operates the bar says it seeks to be a “safe space, free of relationships of oppression.” Since they have fingered Poitras’s dreadlocks as an example of “someone from a dominant culture [who] appropriates symbols, clothing or hairstyles that come from historically dominated cultures,” he will not be able to do what we presume all of the other comedians do—i.e., get up onstage and make fun of white people.
IT’S HARD TO BE BLACK IN ASIA
According to the esteemed newspaper the Zambian Observer, a 25-year-old Zambian student in China was clubbed to death by four Chinese nationals for dating a Chinese woman.
According to a friend of now-dead Chrispine Mwale:
I rushed to the scene and only found four Chinese men beating and insulting him that their is no black man allowed to date their people. They insulted him that Africa was too poor and they would not allow black beings to be raised in their country. Despite pleading, they hit him with iron bars and stones until his final breath.
Writing for Outlook India, a black American named Dieperiye Kuku says “India Is Racist, And Happy About It”:
Once I stood gazing at the giraffes at the Lucknow Zoo only to turn and see 50-odd families gawking at me rather than the exhibit. Parents abruptly withdrew infants that inquisitively wandered towards me. I felt like an exotic African creature-cum-spectacle, stirring fear and awe. Even my attempts to beguile the public through simple greetings or smiles are often not reciprocated.
Wow. Sounds like it sucks to be black in Asia. It’s almost like it’d be better to return to Africa.