December 08, 2010

Dear Delphi,

The other day I was in the airport and became an unlucky recipient of the enhanced pat-down procedure; they touched my breasts and inside my legs, looking for bombs. I feel it is a total violation of my liberties and I want it to stop. What can I do? Can we stop the scans?

“€”Political in Portland

Dear Political in Portland,

There is no way to avoid new and “€œimproved”€ airport security unless you want to hitchhike, take a Greyhound, or walk, and”€”trust me”€”nobody working at the airport cares one bit if you do just that. The NO FLY people are wasting their time.

Revolution! Revolution! Down with American foreign policy! No to military interventions! Do you really care what happens halfway around the world? Honestly, does it even cross your mind? If you are sitting in your home and hear a crime being committed three blocks away, do you run outside waving a gun and get right in the middle of it? Of course you don”€™t; that would be stupid. Well, that is American foreign policy. This stupidity is then spun, repackaged, and sold as love and concern for all. The American government is an abusive parent; the TSA is simply an arm they use to smack you.

Until America reconnects with it revolutionary roots, there is very little you can do to stop the invasions, foreign and domestic. This is not a call to arms! All you need to host a nice revolution is Facebook, coordinated action, and a credit card. Otherwise, we are all up a creek without a paddle simply bobbing along waiting for mandatory body-cavity searches.


Dear Delphi,

My daughter’s husband left her. He stole money, cheated regularly, and is presently leaving my daughter and their two children to move to the U.S.A. with his pregnant lover. What kind of person does that? I cannot take it anymore! I want to hurt him. Do you have any suggestions?

“€”Evil Thoughts in Edinburgh

Dear Evil Thoughts in Edinburgh,

Socially acceptable”€”actually socially respectable“€”violence and punishments need to be reinstated. Two hundred years ago you would have been expected to challenge your son-in-law to a duel, thus defending your daughter’s and family’s honor. Four hundred years ago he and the lover could have been accused of witchcraft and burned alive. Only 50 years ago you would have been able to punch him, and people would have applauded. Not today! Today he may even end up at your family Christmas table because he is the children’s father.

“€œDo you really care what happens halfway around the world? Honestly, does it even cross your mind?”€

There need to be repercussions. The U.S. military has standards for conduct. If military personnel act in a way “prejudicial to good order and discipline or of a nature to bring discredit upon the armed forces,” there are consequences. We need standards for behavior before someone can become a citizen. If they can”€™t uphold the standards, exile should be the punishment! They should be sent to some deserted island where they can cheat, steal, and lie all day long”€”an orgiastic commune of ill-doers!

Go knock on his door. When he answers, hit him once. Better yet, go to his office and do it there in front of colleagues and clients. If he sues you for battery, sue him back for emotional distress.


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