December 15, 2010

Dear Delphi,

I cheat on my wife almost every time I go on a business trip. I feel badly, but I can”€™t seem to stop. I think I should tell her. What do you think?

“€”Cheataholic in Chatham

Dear Cheataholic in Chatham,

If you don”€™t want to leave your wife, don”€™t tell her about your philandering ways. If you do want to leave your wife, once again, don”€™t tell her what you have been doing.

The only motive for telling your spouse, girlfriend, or partner about your extracurricular activities is to selfishly unburden yourself. You may feel it’s unfair and deceptive not to share the truth, but it’s actually compassionate. The greatest favor you can do anyone you cheated on is to lie, deny, and lie some more”€”even if you do want to leave them. It is unnecessarily mean to announce, “€œI don”€™t love you anymore and, by the way, I have been cheating on you.”€ If you want to leave, just leave. Why do you have to add insult to injury?

If you have no intention of leaving and merely feel guilty about your business-trip entertainment, then feel guilty”€”feel very guilty”€”and live with it. Go to sexaholic meetings and buy your wife many expensive surprise gifts, but under no circumstances should you tell her. Even if she suspects, pushes, stalks, or threatens you, do not tell.

“People should have to take a course and get a psych evaluation before they are allowed to reproduce!”€

Dear Delphi,

I think my friend is an awful mother. She lets her two-year-old son scream all the time in private and in public. She is always bringing him out to dinner with us past his bedtime, and I have seen her give him sips of her Mai Tai at the beach. What should I do?

“€”Batty Mom in Barstow

Dear Batty Mom in Barstow,

You have a few choices: Tell her your concerns, stop speaking to her, or call Social Services.

You have to accept that your friendship is not going to survive if you tell her your concerns. No matter how delicate you are, the friendship is bound to end. So be as rough as you want. Tell her she is off the reservation, abusive, lazy, dirty, inadequate, and mean. Maybe she will hear you and her child will not end up a drunk by age five.

The easiest solution is to stop speaking to her”€”I mean no contact whatsoever. You don”€™t want to step in the murky waters of having to explain yourself.

Your last options are to sign her up for one of those super-nanny shows or call Social Services. People should have to take a course and get a psych evaluation before they are allowed to reproduce! OB/GYNs should be trained to evaluate and sterilize people they deem to be unfit.


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