Elections

Election 2016: Chicks v. Dicks

May 23, 2016

Hillary Clinton

Should being a rapist disqualify a man from the nation’s highest office? What if he merely says mean things about chicks? From what I’ve been told, this is supposed to be important”€”possibly the most important issue facing the American electorate this November.

Hillary Clinton is heading into the general election vagina-first, hoping she can surf a foamy lubricated sea of likeminded vaginas straight into the Oval Office. The popular wisdom”€”which has proved neither popular nor wise over the past year”€”is that Donald Trump suffers such insurmountable “negatives” among women that all the uneducated meth-smoking trailer-dwelling white male bigots in Flyover Country won’t be able to seal the deal for him.

Since identity politics are for everyone except straight white males these days, Madame Clinton has been traipsing her cottage-cheese buttocks across this great nation pandering to Negroes, Latinos, gays, and, of course, WOMEN.

You may not have realized it, but there’s a War on Women in America these days. Pay no mind that no one quite seems capable of articulating how our society is unfair to women. They keep dredging up the mythical wage gap, but that’s about it. And something about there not being enough free condoms. Otherwise, women live longer, work the safest jobs, and get drastically shorter prison sentences for committing the same crimes as men. And forget that they enjoy the sumptuous luxury of enjoying automatic and nearly universal public and legal sympathy in just about any dispute with men.

“€œMy guts tell me that a Hillary Clinton presidency would be far more hostile toward male interests than Donald Trump’s would be toward women.”€

One might also say that women enjoy the extreme privilege of being openly pandered to by politicians, whereas any modern male American politician, even reputed “sexist” Donald Trump, would be biting his own dick off if he ever dared to openly and explicitly seek the male vote. Note that Hillary Clinton is openly naming her constituencies, while I’ve never even heard of Trump so much as use the term “white males.”

When it comes to the topic of gender in this election, the deck is stacked to put men on the defensive. This is why a central topic of the campaign is always whether Donald Trump hates women”€”and never whether Hillary Clinton hates men.

From the moment he announced his candidacy, Trump has been relentlessly smeared as a “sexist” because he has a tendency not to roll over and offer up his belly to appease latter-day feminist pieties. He is often critical of women’s looks and their weight. He sometimes says unflattering things about their behavior. This is hateful and sexist when he does it, but not when women make fun of his hair and short fingers and openly call for him to be raped and dismembered by Syrian refugees.

But the accusations have taken a darker turn of late, and there are intimations that Trump is not only a misogynist, he may be a serial sexual harasser”€”perchance even a spousal rapist.

Crossing the Line: How Donald Trump Behaved With Women in Private,” yelps the lurid and tantalizing headline to a flailingly impotent New York Times attempted exposé on Trump’s imagined misdeeds with the fairer sex over the years. There are shocking allegations that Trump once asked a woman to change into a swimsuit, that he once kissed a beauty pageant contestant on the lips, and that he frequently judged women on their looks based on a scale of one to ten.

The most damning allegation in the Times piece was already covered in the 1993 book Lost Tycoon: The Many Lives of Donald J. Trump. In that book, Trump’s first wife Ivana describes an alleged incident in which her husband, in severe pain from a scalp reduction surgery to cover a bald spot, began screaming at her for selecting the plastic surgeon who botched his scalp. She says that in a rage, he began pulling clumps of hair from her scalp and tearing off her clothes before sexually penetrating her. Ivana reportedly told friends that she’d been raped, but Trump’s lawyers made sure she wrote a sort-of retraction that was printed in the front of the book:

As a woman, I felt violated, as the love and tenderness, which he normally exhibited towards me, was absent. I referred to this as a “€˜rape,”€™ but I do not want my words to be interpreted in a literal or criminal sense.

According to Hillary Clinton’s own words, Ivana Trump should be believed. Clinton made sexual assault an issue of her campaign last November when she opened her serrated robot mouth and tweeted:

Every survivor of sexual assault deserves to be heard, believed, and supported.

Methinks Madame Secretary opened a YUUUGE can of worms there.

In January, perennial Bill Clinton rape accuser Juanita Broaddrick tweeted:

I was 35 years old when Bill Clinton, Ark. Attorney General raped me and Hillary tried to silence me.  I am now 73….it never goes away.

Should she, like Ivana Trump, also be believed? For decades now, Broaddrick has insisted that a much younger and more limber Bill Clinton than the walking corpse we see these days raped her and bit her lip open during an encounter at an Arkansas motel in 1978 while Clinton was running for governor.

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