November 23, 2010

Dear Delphi,

I am a 58-year-old man and I am considering getting hair plugs. What do you think?

“€”Hair Loss in Hartford

Dear Hair Loss in Hartford,

I don”€™t think men need hair plugs; they need to accept their hair and get a good haircut. An older man with too much hair, dyed hair, a toupée, or a combover is like a Chinese Crested hairless dog”€”just wrong. It simply does not look right! If you are single and think the younger women want a man with a full head of hair, you are wrong. The younger women will date you either because they have a daddy complex and want you to look and act older, or they are only looking for money and don”€™t care about your follicle count.

If you are married to a woman your age and think your wife wants you to look younger, you are wrong. The last thing a 58-year-old woman wants is a 58-year-old husband who looks 52. Women already age much worse than men; there is no need to exaggerate the phenomenon.

If you think the hair plugs will make you look younger, feel better, and put a spring back in your step, you are wrong. You may get more attention, but it would be equivalent to Chinese Crested owners thinking people stop and stare at their dogs in the street because of their rare beauty, elegance, and grace, but they are wrong, wrong, wrong.


Dear Delphi,

I am 98% certain my 18-year-old daughter is putting indecent pictures of herself on the computer. What can I do to make her stop?

“€”Concerned Dad in L.A.

Dear Concerned Dad in L.A.,

First, make sure she is actually posting indecent pictures. You don”€™t want to confront her about something she is not doing; it will simply set her off on a tangent about trust, invasion of privacy, spying, she wants to leave home, et cetera.

You could try to be rational and explain to her that once those pictures are out there, they are forever in the public realm waiting for possible future husbands and boyfriends to find them. There is no recall, no do-over, and there are no second chances. If she doesn”€™t understand, take more drastic measures.

Consider printing the indecent photos, framing them, and displaying them in your house. Hopefully she will not want you, her mother, her little brother, or visitors”€”for example, her grandmother”€”to see the pictures. Hopefully this will embarrass her into submission and comprehension.

“€œAn older man with too much hair, dyed hair, a toupée, or a combover is like a Chinese Crested hairless dog”€”just wrong.”€

If she has absolutely no sense of dignity and only wants people to ogle her naked body, consider taking her on a tour of Las Vegas. Take her to watch the prostitutes work, show her the motel rooms, go see the legal brothels, and be sure not to miss ugly drunk men groping strippers in the clubs. You could even pretend you are doing a documentary and interview some of the working girls.


Dear Delphi,

My husband and I are throwing a Christmas party in London, and we have two friends going through a horrible divorce. It is very nasty involving adultery, money issues, etc. We are friends with both of them”€”whom do we invite to the party?

“€”Hopelessly Confused in London

Dear Hopelessly Confused in London,

If you have a personal preference, follow it. Under no circumstances should you feel pressured into inviting one or the other because it is “€œthe thing”€ to do. Invite the one you like, the one you want to remain in your life. You are allowed to have an opinion, to drop friends, make new friends, and change your mind. However, if you invite Nancy and not Bob, know that you cannot then expect Bob to understand and invite you to his house for dinner. You will have to take responsibility for your choices and opinions. Not everyone will love you, but at least you won”€™t be a PC twit who is too scared to have a public opinion.

If you do not feel that strongly about it, and the thought of talking to one or both of them does not make you wince in pain, invite both. And no, I don”€™t think you have to call them and tell them they are both being invited; we are all adults. Friends should not make friends pick sides if they do not want to.


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