The Week’s Most Lecherous, Treacherous, and Obstreperous Headlines
PORTLAND MAYOR TO MOVE AWAY FROM PEACEFUL PROTESTORS WHO’VE BEEN TRYING TO SET HIS CONDO ON FIRE
Ted Wheeler looks like the type of guy who’d own a condo in downtown Portland worth nearly a million bucks—he’s white, frail, weak, and has a free-testosterone level ranging anywhere from 3 on a good day to 1 on a bad day.
All summer he’s been allowing the hundreds of thousands of heroin-addicted transwhites and the five or so black people who inhabit his town to rip its living guts out. When the rioters recently shot and killed a Trump supporter, he blamed it on Trump.
But now, after they started attacking his condo building, he realized it’s time to get out of there or he might get hurt. And he finally started using the word “violence” to describe the violence that has plagued the city ever since George Floyd overdosed on fentanyl. He’s moving out of his condo, ostensibly to some underground bunker that is currently off Antifa’s radar. He still says he supports the rioters—he’s simply moving somewhere that they’ll be unable to riot all over his pasty ass:
Elected leaders – or those seeking office – who remain silent in the midst of these acts of violence and criminal destruction are equally complicit. The community must rise up and say ‘enough is enough’ and hold all of us accountable. We cannot truly move on together and make the positive changes we want to see until this violence is stopped. All violence. We cannot allow our anger to destroy what we are trying to support. I stand by our positive movement for police reform and I stand by the hundreds of thousands of Portlanders who want to peacefully protest and ask for more reform. If you are participating in violence, I want to be clear: I denounce your actions.…Your actions demonstrate a level of hate and destruction that we WILL NOT condone or tolerate.
Portland is what happens when white people overdose on guilt.
KICKING TRUMPERS’ SKULLS IN KENOSHA
Kicking people suspected of being Nazis—i.e., all white people—in the skull has become a recent favorite pastime of the flat-brained totalitarians wreaking havoc in America’s streets under the delusion that they’re fighting fascism. Heck, we did a whole article about the white guy in Portland who was kicked unconscious by a hi-yella ingrate named Marquise.
Now, in the overwhelmingly white city of Kenosha, WI, a Trump supporter and former US Marine was kicked in the head by a group of ne’er-do-wells who misread his MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN hat for a KICK ME IN THE SKULL BECAUSE I’M A NAZI hat. Spurred on by this silly misunderstanding, they held him down and kicked him in the head live and on camera.
Identifying himself only as “David” because he apparently doesn’t want to lose his job or have them burn down his house, David blanched at the notion that his attackers were liberals: “They are not liberals. They are Maoists, and they will attack you, they will hurt you, they want to burn down this United States.”
That’s all well and good, David, but the question remains: Why are you a Nazi?
SCIENTIST: HAND SANITIZERS MAY LEAD TO “ARMAGEDDON SCENARIO”
If you thought that obsessively smearing sanitizer over your hands would save you from COVID-19—or even newer, scarier superbugs—you have been fooled, and it’s time for you to admit it.
Dr. Andrew Kemp works at something called the British Institute for Cleaning Science and is so obsessed with killing germs that he’s written 22 papers on the subject over the past three years. In a recent paper, he claims that not only are hand sanitizers ineffective against the coronavirus, the fact that millions of bacteria may squirm around on one’s hand at any given time means that a sanitizer that kills 99% of germs will still leave at least 10,000 macho, steroidal beasties on your mitts, ready to kill you at a moment’s notice:
Recent research shows the surviving bugs which are not killed by alcohol gels are themselves highly dangerous pathogens and may increase in numbers. This means our routine use of gels could ultimately cause us more harm than good. Overusing disinfectants in this way will be a key factor in leading us to a potential armageddon [sic] scenario, widely accepted by scientists, that over the next two or three decades we will no longer be able to safely perform routine operations such as hip replacements because we have multi disinfectant resistant bacteria alongside our antibiotic drug resistant bacteria. Not only are we increasing the risk of these problems across the globe by overusing hand gels, we may also not be doing anything against the spread of Covid-19. It seems pointless spending billions on antibiotics, if the resistance to them comes from poor use of chemical disinfectants and hand sanitizers.
In case you needed a reason to feel worse about this year, we decided to toss that story in there for ya.
JERSEY TOWN FIGURES OUT A WAY TO END ALL THE RIOTING: BILL THE “PROTESTERS” FOR POLICE OVERTIME
Mayor Mario Kranjac of Englewood Cliffs, NJ may be the smartest man in the entire universe, and if every town across the country implemented his ingenious tactic, this endless rioting would end overnight.
Emily Gil is an 18-year-old Asian woman that most blacks would probably call a “Chinky Chinky China Lady” before pummeling her and stealing her iPhone, but for some reason—possibly a mutual hatred of white people—she recently organized a 90-minute protest in support of Black Lives Matter in a town that overlooks the Manhattan skyline from across the Hudson River.
But she says she was “shocked” when a few days after the protest—where as far as we can tell no one was kicked in the skull and no buildings were torched—the city slapped her with a bill for $2,500 for police overtime to ensure that, you know, no one gets kicked in the skull and no buildings get torched. The mayor later explained that this is standard procedure for anyone who sucks up undue police time, including entirely non-racial events such as bicycle races.
This is genius, we tell you—genius! If there’s anything that Junior Communists hate more than having to work, it’s having to pay for anything.
FAILED BLACK MCDONALD’S FRANCHISEES SUE MCDONALD’S FOR FORCING THEM TO OPERATE IN BLACK NEIGHBORHOODS
Black-black blackety-black, black black blackblackblack.
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s talk more about black people.
Despite the fact that Ronald McDonald grabs his ankles and lubes his golden haunches in supplication to black people with things such as their nauseating “Black & Positively Golden®” outreach—which strives to find “Black Excellence” somewhere, anywhere—it’s still not enough for some of Da Blacks.
A dusky cabal of 52 former black McDonald’s franchise owners is suing the mega-corporation, accusing them of racial discrimination by, according to Reuters, “steering them to depressed, crime-ridden neighborhoods and setting them up for failure.”
Although company policy allows franchisees to choose their restaurant’s location, the lawsuit alleges that McDonald’s somehow practiced anti-black racial discrimination by allowing black owners to pick locations that are depressed and crime-ridden—in other words, predominantly black.
The plaintiff’s lawyer, a man with the decidedly non-black name of Jim Ferraro, uttered one of the most hilariously unclear sentences in recent memory:
It’s systematic placement in substandard locations, because they’re Black.
OK, wait—what’s black here? The owners or the substandard locations? Possibly both? And how is any of this Ronald McDonald’s fault?
Next we’ll be hearing that the guy in the Burger King costume is a white supremacist.
BLACK WOMEN CONTINUE FIGHTING AT AIRPORTS, MAKING TRAVEL UNSAFE AND FRIGHTENING FOR ALL
Another week, another airport, another brawling group of black women. You may not have seen the hubbub at Fort Lauderdale. Or the mayhem in Atlanta. Last week someone apparently named “Aaliyah” fought with someone we choose to dub “Shaqueekwia” at LaGuardia Airport in beautiful Queens, NY.
Aaliyah and Shaqueekwia decided it would be a good idea to work out their disagreements by tearing at one another’s hair weaves and trying to leave their fake nails in one another’s cheeks. In doing so, they rudely delayed the flight bound for Atlanta—a city where black women fight one another every day—for forty minutes. But they were not arrested, because that would be racist.
MAKING SURE THE NEXT NEW YORK TIMES EDITOR ISN’T ANOTHER OLD WHITE GUY
The New York Times is an unreasonably respected newspaper which first achieved success in the late 1800s when it was purchased by a Jewish man named Adolph Simon Ochs. Then it was given to his Jewish son, who then bequeathed it to his Jewish son, and now the bequeathee’s Jewish son owns it.
Clearly, white men have been in control of the Times for far too long—an issue with which the paper is finally coming to grips with in the form of hiring Jewish female editors and black guys who are so light-skinned, you could mistake them for whites.
The paper’s current editor is Dean Baquet, a nominally black man who is so light-skinned, he’d probably be kicked in the head at a BLM riot for being a suspected white supremacist. Since he is nearing retirement age, one of his rumored successors was James Bennet, who appears to be white but is actually Jewish. He was kicked out of the running earlier in the summer for daring to publish a piece by Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton suggesting that maybe it’d be a good idea to send federal troops into American cities before rioters burn everything to the ground.
Now the paper is having an emotional struggle session about whether Baquet’s successor should be Joe Kahn (Jewish), Cliff Levy (Jewish), or Marc Lacey, a man who is said to be black but whose skin is as light as oatmeal with white sugar. Another contender is Rebecca Blumenstein—no comment, none needed.
An unnamed source with the Times told Vanity Fair:
After Bennet, everything’s now up in the air. The thing that happened with the Cotton op-ed is, it really cemented a feeling in the newsroom around the importance of this conversation. The running joke [about the front-runners] was, Great diversity pool, you’ve got one from Harvard, one from Yale, and one from Princeton. After the Cotton op-ed, in the George Floyd era, and with the Times now being a much younger newsroom with a lot more people of color, if you still pick another middle-aged white guy who went to an Ivy League school, what have you really done?
The question sort of asks itself: When was the last time since the mid-1800s that The New York Times was owned and/or edited by a middle-aged white guy?
ALTHOUGH SHORT IN STATURE, THE CHINESE NOW HAVE THE WORLD’S LARGEST NAVY
God clearly gave some people intelligence, and he gave other people height. For the super-smart Chinese, the average male measures a a puny 5’6”. In order to compensate, the ChiComs have scrambled to ensure that at least they have the world’s most gigantic navy, and they will point 20-foot-long aircraft-carrier cannons at you if you ever mock their diminutive stature again.
A recent Pentagon report authored by Chad Sbragia alleges that the ChiComs now boast a naval fleet of 350 warships compared to America’s 293. At a recent public briefing, Sbragia (we won’t even pretend we can pronounce it) averred that those little yella bastids are also hiding the size of their nuclear arsenal:
China’s near-complete lack of transparency over its nuclear forces raised legitimate questions over China’s intent as it fields larger and more capable nuclear forces. And this includes the near completion of what we consider to be a triad capacity, which would include those land-based kinds of capabilities.
Beware of short people, for they harbor such an insane hatred toward the normally heighted that they won’t stop until they’ve dragged everyone taller than them down to their level.
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