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The Week That Perished

December 16, 2018

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The Week That Perished

The Week’s Most Profane, Insane, and Inhumane Headlines

HURRAH! WEEKLY STANDARD SHUTS DOWN
Ding-dong, the bloated neocon witch is dead!

Bill Kristol, best known the world over for making our “Most Annoying People” list two years in a row, is a drippy sack of smirking suet who has aggressively opposed Donald Trump every breathing second since Trump declared his candidacy. Back in late 2015, Trump predicted that Kristol’s hawkish and anti-nativist Weekly Standard was on the verge of folding:

@BillKristol has become a sad case. His magazine is failing badly, probably doesn’t have long to go, and his predictions are always wrong!

Kristol, that blubbery bag of farts, had repeatedly predicted that Trump would never become president. He was wrong.

Last week, mistaking his magazine for a “good thing,” Kristol announced that he was taking The Weekly Standard off life support:

All good things come to an end. And so, after 23 years, does The Weekly Standard. I want to express my gratitude to our readers and my admiration for my colleagues. We worked hard to put out a quality magazine, and we had a good time doing so. And we have much more to do. Onward!

Not onward, Bill—downward. It’s over for you and your ilk.

We hate Kristol not only due to the aggressive Never Trumping, but also due to the fact that he seemed more than willing to believe it was righteous and conservative to send American soldiers over to die on Israel’s behalf. And he had the sort of spite for America’s indigenous working class that fairly begs for our hatred:

Look, to be totally honest, if things are so bad as you say with the white working class, don’t you want to get new Americans in?….[A]fter two or three generations of hard work everyone becomes kind of decadent, lazy, spoiled—whatever. Then, luckily, you have these waves of people coming in from Italy, Ireland, Russia, and now Mexico, who really want to work hard and really want to succeed….

Clearly the magazine’s staff got decadent, lazy, and spoiled. We recommend that The Weekly Standard resume publication with a staff comprised entirely of hardworking immigrants from Italy, Ireland, Russia, and Mexico.

PRADA YANKS MONKEY KEYCHAIN
In the latest iteration of the ongoing Internet e-Rorschach test of “What color is this dress?” and “What name do you hear?,” we’d like you to take a look at this keychain and tell us what you see.

We see a little cartoon monkey with lipstick. Others, naturally, see an egregious example of blackface, triggering ancient mental wounds regarding slavery and whippings and Jim Crow and lynching.

“We recommend that The Weekly Standard resume publication with a staff comprised entirely of hardworking immigrants.”

If the keychain’s maker, Prada, should be scorned for anything, it’s charging $550 for a freakin’ keychain. Instead they were accused of endorsing all the historical violence and abuse toward black people that was so severe it was even retroactive and forced them never to develop written languages or break out of the Stone Age in their native lands.

Prada spokesmen quickly relented, claims that the company “abhors racist imagery,” and yanked its astronomically overpriced monkey keychain from sale.

LISTENERS SUCCESSFULLY BRING BACK CHRISTMAS “RAPE” SONG
Dean Martin’s Christmas chestnut “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” has been accused of promoting rape culture by people with a mental problem that causes them to see rape everywhere—even, or rather, especially—where it doesn’t exist.

Thankfully, many radio listeners would rather be falsely accused of being rape apologists than miss out on hearing that song this Yule season.

KOIT-FM in San Francisco—of all places—has removed a ban on the song after over three-quarters of listeners responded in the affirmative when asked if they’d like the station to put the harmless classic back on its playlist.

At KOSI-FM in Denver, a poll of 15,000 listeners found that 95% of them wanted the song back, rape-sniffing psychos be damned.

Dean Martin’s daughter Deana appeared on Fox & Friends to say her dad—once christened the “King of Cool” by none other than Elvis Presley—“would be going insane right now” over the controversy.

This Christmas, let’s leave all the Scrooges out in the cold. Who cares if our drinks are spiked? Baby, it’s warm inside.

MIDDLE SCHOOLER FORCED TO CHANGE TRUMP SURNAME
For years now, a Delaware boy has endured endless bullying and harassment from his classmates. “They curse at him, they call him an idiot, they call him stupid,” his mother laments. “He said he hates himself…and he feels sad all the time, and he doesn’t want to live feeling like that anymore, and as a parent that’s scary.”

The bullying began in grade school and continued in middle school. It got so intense that the family has legally changed the boy’s last name.

That’s because all of the bullying was based around the fact that the boy’s legal last name was Trump. The boy known as Joshua Trump is now Joshua Berto.

“KILL WHITES,” SAYS BLACK SOUTH AFRICAN POLITICIAN
Throughout the 1980s we were relentlessly lectured that apartheid in South Africa turned the country into a dysfunctional hellhole and that if the white man were to lose his grip over the nation, it would not become, you know, the dysfunctional hellhole it now is.

Andile Mngxitama is president of a political party called Black First Land First. He recently made these comments at a rally near Johannesburg:

For each one person that is being killed by the taxi industry, we will kill five white people. For every one black person we will kill five white people. You kill one of us we will five of you. We’ll kill their women, we’ll kill their children, we’ll kill anything we find in our way….We’ll kill their children, we’ll kill their women, we’ll kill their dogs, we’ll kill their cats, we’ll kill anything.

At the risk of overstating things, he doesn’t sound like a very nice man. Then again, he—we won’t bother retyping his name, just as we’d never attempt pronouncing it—said that his comments were taken out of context.

We would love to see the context in which these comments would seem reasonable.

STUDY: WHITE MALES MOST HATED GROUP
As if you didn’t know this already, white males are the sole group in America where it is not only OK to bash them—it is de rigueur.

Now a study—a small-sample one from an “urban community college,” mind you—confirms this.

A 10-question survey administered to 100 students ranging in age from 18 to their late thirties gauged their feelings about eight groups—the male and female iterations of whites, blacks, Asians, and Hispanics. Questions included:

Of the above groups, which one do you think is the most hateful?
Of the above groups which one do you think is the biggest liar?
Of the above groups, which one do you think is the biggest cheater?
If you had to kill one of the above groups, which one would you kill?

In either five or six categories—the linked article contradicts itself—white males topped the list. The next closest group to receive the majority of votes was Hispanic males, who topped only two categories.

We are confident that if the study were repeated anywhere in the USA except for perhaps Jim Goad’s neighborhood in rural Georgia, white males would also top the list.

Two generations of propaganda have proved to be entirely effective.

THE WORLD’S MOST “XENOPHOBIC” COUNTRIES
We are told that only the West harbors racist xenophobes who are so hateful and stingy that they refuse to share their milk and honey with ethnic interlopers.

However, a study by the trading group Insider Monkey crunched the numbers from two separate surveys gauging the responses of 85,000 people from 61 countries whether they would object to people from other races living next door to them.

Miraculously, the only predominately white country to score among the Top 25 most xenophobic was Russia, which came in at #22. The results were top-heavy with Asian countries ranging from the Middle East to the Far East.

Clearly it’s time to send all the world’s refugees to Asia.


Every Monday, Jim Goad reads the previous day’s “Week That Perished” on his podcast.

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