The Week That Perished

The Week’s Most Supernova, Apache Cordova, and Shana Tova Headlines

YO’ MAMA KIPPUR
For Jews, these are the High Holy Days, the period of getting atoned between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. For blacks, these are the Wholly High Days, the period of getting stoned with kush, hash, and a young stripper.

Blacks and Jews, longtime frenemies, have struggled in the age of woke to determine which group is the bigger victim of whitey. In February 2021, the Black Jewish Entertainment Alliance was launched in Hollywood to unite the industry’s kosher kings and gentile giants. Among the initial signatories were Sharon Osbourne on the Jewish side and Sheryl Underwood for the blacks (Osbourne and Underwood were cohosts of the CBS series The Talk). One month later, March 2021, Underwood got Osbourne fired from the show for being a “racist.”

The “Alliance” hasn’t updated its website since. The whole thing went south faster than the time Emmett Till whistled at Anne Frank and got ’em both killed as a result.

So much for peace between the schmendricks and the Kendricks, the oy veys and the DuVernays. And with the “Alliance” dead, blacks are waging a high holy war to make Judaism blacker. An NBC News piece last week lamented the fact that only 1 percent of Jews identify as “black.” The author, a black Jewish convert named Brennan Nevada Johnson, is a full-time “bald activist” (that’s literally her NBC bio) whose LinkedIn declares “I spend my time empowering bald people.”

According to Zipporah the Pinhead, whose smooth black dome is its own yarmulke, Jews need to “make space” for blacks. And if Jews aren’t willing to get blacker, watch out!

I’m Gonna Git You Sukkoth.

Adding to the indignities, Orthodox Jews were excluded from last week’s White House “anti-Semitism summit.” It wasn’t politically motivated, though. Biden became frightened at the site of Hasidics, as they reminded him of a dangerous character from his old neighborhood, Cohen Pop.

“He was a bad Jewed who ran a bunch of bad oys.”

HERS AND HISPANICS
It’s also National Hispanic American Heritage Month, which runs Sept. 15 through Oct. 15.

It’s the only nonwhite identity month that doesn’t begin on the 1st, but it makes sense that a Hispanic awareness month would coincide with the beginning of autumn, as a reminder of who to call to rake all those leaves.

Last week Mumbly Joe observed Hallowbean at the Congressional Hispanic Caucus Gala (the only D.C. shindig where the attendees bus their own tables). Biden assured the mess hall Mestizos that “y’all gonna own the country, man,” a statement he only felt comfortable making after the Secret Service cleared the room of blacks.

Speaking of which, Biden declared that Delaware has “the eighth-largest black population,” which made zero sense to anyone in the room, as he was supposed to be speaking about Hispanics. And it’s also a lie (with 318,000 blacks, Delaware ranks No. 34), but attendees brushed it aside because obviously a man who thinks everyone who doesn’t vote for him “ain’t black” would believe the converse, so of course in his mind most of Delaware’s black.

Biden called for a “National Museum of the American Latino” to replace the touring exhibits one finds in Home Depot parking lots.

For his grand finale, Biden declared, “We’re going to ban assault weapons as I did when I was a senator, because when we banned it, the mass murders stopped.”

The federal assault weapons ban was in effect from 1994 to 2004. During that period, the Columbine mass shooting happened, the Atlanta day-trader shooting, the Aiken achin’ black guy shooting, the Connecticut lottery shooting, the Westside Middle School shooting, the Thurston High shooting, the Wedgwood Baptist shooting, the Xerox shooting, the Wakefield shooting, the Lockheed Martin shooting, the Beltway sniper, and about two dozen more.

Isn’t Alex Jones facing bankruptcy for denying just one mass shooting? Denying thirty should be an impeachable offense.

Fortunately for Biden, his flub went unnoticed as none of the attendees spoke English.

CASTRO’S DISTRICT
It’s raining menshevik in Havana! Cubans have overwhelmingly approved the legalization of gay marriage. It was a red diaper day for the island’s humpin’ bourgeoisie, as gay partners in the revolutionary paradise can now legally join their zedong to their buttista in holy matrimony, with the full blessing of the state.

“Here’s a simple truism: Oxygen deprivation never improves thinking.”

But wait; what happened to Hispanics being “natural Republicans”? Traditional-values types who should be welcomed as long as they cross the border with the right paperwork (because paperwork is what separates a good invasion from a bad one; if Hitler had just filled out the right forms, his lebensraum would’ve been legit). Ironically, even the “natural Democrats” of true-blue California rejected gay marriage twice by popular vote. Of course, Cali isn’t a true socialist state (the bourgeois own the beans of production).

The legalization of gay marriage in Cuba is an about-face for a regime that used to put gays in concentration camps where they’d be crammed into cages with hundreds of sweaty, shirtless men and whipped daily by muscular guards.

For this reason, many of Cuba’s gays don’t necessarily consider their new open, legal status a welcome improvement.

Prior to the referendum, Human Rights Watch, the NGO dedicated to censoring speech (“Freedom of expression is not an absolute right” is one of the group’s actual mottos. Its mascot is a guy saying “human rights” while making the “quote/unquote” finger gesture), predicted that the Cuban government would “steal” the vote and lie that the measure failed.

HRW advocates the imprisonment of anyone in the U.S. who “spreads misinformation regarding election integrity.” Now that the org has done exactly that in Cuba, perhaps the now-empty concentration camps for gays could be filled with speech-suppressing “human rights” hypocrites.

Hard to imagine a more popular PR move for the island’s leaders.

KEYSTONED COPS
Here’s a simple truism: Oxygen deprivation never improves thinking.

When the hypoxiacs of Colorado passed the nation’s first and most liberal “all pot is legal anywhere, everywhere, and for any reason” law in 2012, nobody but everybody could’ve foreseen that complete decriminalization would spark a “cola war” between pot growers to up THC potency to attract customers. Colorado THC levels have risen to the point where potheads are being institutionalized for psychosis and admitted to ERs with bouts of “scromiting” (“scream vomiting,” all the rage among those who insist pot has no medical downside).

Legislative efforts to regulate THC have been torpedoed by the wealthy and powerful pot lobby. Again, nobody on earth could’ve foreseen that letting pot growers form a legal cartel would lead to them sabotaging all attempts at regulation. Nobody on earth except everybody on earth except Coloradans.

Was the state with the least amount of oxygen really the right place for this experiment?

It’s against this backdrop that, last week, cops in Greeley, Colo., pulled over a spicy Latina named Yareni Rios-Gonzalez, wanted for a road rage incident (most likely another case of taco truck–on–taco truck violence). The cops cuffed Speedy Gonzalez and put her in the back of their cruiser…which they’d absent-mindedly parked on train tracks. Clearly visible train tracks. And when the train came, the cops were like, “Whoa…dude…train,” as they left Gonzalez in the path of the oncoming locomotive (on the bright side, Netflix purchased the body-cam footage for a Hispanic reboot of The Perils of Pauline).

An hour away in Aurora, last week it was confirmed that spaced-out paramedics killed a handcuffed suspect by accidentally giving him an overdose of ketamine.

Turns out “Rocky Mountain High” is better as an anthem than as a work ethic.

DEEP HINDU-DOO
When it comes to cheap, unhealthy, worthless food, Top Ramen can’t be beat.

Except by Nithya Raman, a cheap, unhealthy, worthless human who lives by a simple creed: Everybody should have human feces thrown in their face.

In a normal world, Nithya Raman would be in an insane asylum. But in L.A., she’s a city councilwoman.

Raman emigrated from India, having grown up among people for whom flinging human excrement is a friendly greeting. Arriving in L.A., she ran for city council in District 4, which includes the L.A. Zoo (the odors remind Raman of her childhood home).

As councilwoman, Raman cares not for issues like jobs, crime, or transportation. She’s made the focal point of her existence the protection of the “Sherman Oaks Shitman,” a homeless denizen who carries a bag of his own poo and throws it at restaurant patrons on Ventura Boulevard. Raman has actually threatened action against local business owners who complain about the SOS; they’re “abrogating his rights” and preventing his “self-expression” by trying to stop him from landing face-shots with his feces.

District 4 is 50 percent white, but you wouldn’t know it from looking at Ventura Boulevard diners who, thanks to the SOS, sport the worst kind of blackface.

And while L.A. is being enriched by a devotee of the Kama Pootra, on the opposite coast, children in NYC are suffering long-term emotional and psychological harm from the army of government-protected homeless lunatics who line the streets and sleep in the parks. Kids are being flashed, assaulted, screamed at, and—yes—hit with human poop. And according to a recent study, it’s taking a toll on their mental and emotional well-being (who’d have thought?).

Democrats on both coasts seem unconcerned about repercussions from their mudslinging.

“When I ran for office, I made it clear that environmentalism was a top concern, especially composting,” Nithya Raman told the Scatophilia Sentinel. “I pledged to voters that, if elected, I’d put the issue right in their faces. And I’ve kept my promise, in the most literal sense.”

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