News

The Week That Perished

February 03, 2019

The Week That Perished

The Week’s Most Unsuited, Disputed, and Polluted Headlines

VIRGINIA GOVERNOR RALPH “COONMAN” NORTHAM REFUSES TO RESIGN
Before launching a successful campaign for governor of Virginia last year, in August 2017 Ralph Northam tugged at the voters’ heartstrings by conjuring the image of non-racist babies being turned into Giant Hate Monsters:

When you look into a baby’s eyes, you don’t see the hatred and the bigotry that we saw come to Charlottesville yesterday. And we have to ask, “Where does it come from? Who taught these people?” 

And although his campaign didn’t sponsor the ad, it seemed to have no objection to an absolutely psychotic TV commercial that depicted supporters of his opponent Ed Gillespie as pickup-truck-driving, Confederate-flag-waving redneck murderers who terrorize small brown children while they’re walking home from school.

Now, however, the hicks have come home to roost and Northam finds himself hoisted on his own retardation.

Mere days after vocally supporting a third-trimester abortion bill, it emerged that Northam’s two-page spread in his 1984 medical-school yearbook features an image of one person in blackface and another in a Klan outfit. And his bio in the 1981 yearbook lists one of his nicknames as “Coonman” and his hometown as “Onacock, Va.”

On Friday, in response to the predictable shrieking and public displays of teeth-grinding, Northam issued the following statement:

Earlier today, a website published a photograph of me from my 1984 medical school yearbook in a costume that is clearly racist and offensive….I am deeply sorry for the decision I made to appear as I did in this photo and for the hurt that decision caused then and now.

Then he held a press conference on Saturday and denied that the photo was of him:

I am not the person in that photo.

Never mind that there were two people in that photo and that the world yearns to know whether Northam was the guy in blackface or the Klan outfit.

Digging his grave deeper, Northam confessed that although he denies appearing in that photo, in the 1980s he “used just a little bit of shoe polish” to darken his complexion while portraying Michael Jackson in a 1984 dance contest. When a reporter asked him if he was still able to moonwalk, Northam appeared to briefly consider giving a demonstration until his wife, who appears to be less of an idiot than he is, suggested it wouldn’t be appropriate to moonwalk given the circumstances.

Prominent Democrats are calling for Northam to resign so he can be replaced by Virginia’s Lieutenant Governor Justin Fairfax, who showed his loyalty by openly condemning Northam and telling the world that one of his ancestors was a slave and that it’s not cool to wear blackface because, we’re not sure, having dark skin is…demeaning and embarrassing?

As of this writing, Northam has not resigned. We predict that he will soon. If he doesn’t, we will develop an undying admiration for Coonman, especially if he starts wearing blackface and moonwalking again.

SEX ROBOTS BLAMED FOR JAPAN’S DEMOGRAPHIC DECLINE
Despite their high intelligence and national spirit, the Japanese simply aren’t having enough sex to replace their population. Last year in Japan, deaths outpaced births by nearly a half-million. Part of the blame may be placed on their tiny penises, but mosquitoes have penises that are even smaller, yet they seem to have no trouble reproducing. Part of the blame can be placed on what experts call “a national mood of loneliness and alienation.”

“There’s nothing we love more than a catfight between women and men who claim they’re women.”

Some people are blaming a rise in sex robots for the fact that the Japanese are not popping out babies at a replacement level.

According to Dr. Kate Devlin, an expert in social and cultural artificial intelligence, sex robots are primarily a male fixation:

I don’t think male sex robots for women will be as popular because there’s already a well-established sex toy market for women. For the men who are interested in buying female versions of sex robots, they are often looking for the companionship aspect, too. I would argue that women find it easier to find companionship in real life.

In a documentary film called Substitutes, one Japanese man explains why he prefers robotic sex dolls to living, breathing, full-bushed, and tiny-breasted women:

It’s an amazing feeling. It looks like a doll, but you feel as though it’s really alive. When you make love to your wife, there can be some problems. With a doll, none of that matters.

It should be noted that at the moment, scientists have yet to engineer sex dolls that get PMS or bitch at you for failing to put the toilet seat down. This may be the primary reason why Japan’s population is doomed to extinction.

GAY DADS CREATE DESIGNER TWINS
At the beginning of this decade, Elton John and his gay lover mixed their sperm and were able to create a designer baby that will probably turn out gay and addicted to cocaine.

Now comes news that a pair of male gaybirds in England have one-upped Sir Elton: They didn’t mix their sperm, they only used it to separately fertilize two female eggs, and the embryos were jammed up the coochie-coo of an opportunistic surrogate mother in Canada who gave birth to twins who have the same mother but two different gay fathers.

It is our fondest wish that the twins don’t grow up to slaughter their parents or each other. We also hope that they won’t wind up hopelessly confused and strung out on drugs and hormone injections. We’re not holding our breath, but we’re trying to be hopeful.

RADICAL FEMINISTS V. TRANNIES
In case you were unaware of Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminists, AKA “TERFs,” they are women who don’t accept that men who claim they’re women are actually women. They say that feminism is a girl thing and that men who claim they’re women are simply trying to encroach on their turf despite never being kept as sex slaves or savagely beaten for undercooking a pot roast or having their clitorises snipped off at birth.

We agree. Feminism is a girl thing. Any man who wants to become a feminist is a sad sack and a gender traitor.

Now comes a woman named Kara Dansky, a lawyer who speaks on behalf of the Women’s Liberation Front, (WoLF), claiming that transgender activism is actually the opposite of feminism—it is a “men’s rights movement.”


Julia Beck—a self-proclaimed lesbian who is, mystifyingly enough, unashamed to proclaim it publicly—says she was booted from Baltimore’s LGBTQ Commission for denying that men who claim they’re women are anything more than opportunistic men who are trying to crash a clambake.

I was found guilty of ‘violence.’ My crime? Using male pronouns to talk about a convicted male rapist who identifies as transgender and prefers female pronouns….It doesn’t matter that he sexually assaulted two women in a women’s prison after being transferred there on account of his ‘gender identity.’ Oh no, it is far more criminal for me to call a male rapist ‘he’ than it is for him to rape.

Whine away, sister. There’s nothing we love more than a catfight between women and men who claim they’re women.

AZAELIA BANKS V. THE IRISH
Azaelia Banks is a black bisexual rapper who says heinous things about white people yet still manages to have a career, despite the fact that we live in a white supremacist society.

This time around she was apparently kicked off an Aer Lingus flight—we always assumed that was an airline for lesbians rather than the Irish, but it appears that we were wrong—for being her usual feisty, obstreperous, and unbearable self.

She responded by going online and defaming the Irish:

I’ve worked too hard in my life to be cornered by some ugly Irish bitch. Like these fucking ugly Irish women here….I’m happiest knowing the Irish are all quarantined on an isle so they can continue to inbreed and keep their defective genes away from the rest of humanity.

She also referred to them as “a bunch of prideful inbred leprechauns.” When an Irish commenter expressed dismay at her words, she responded with “Don’t you have a famine to go die in?”

That’s a pretty good comeback, actually. We’ll have to remember that one on St. Patrick’s Day.

BREAST-IRONING IN THE U.K.
Part of being tolerant involves welcoming African natives who operate at a Stone Age level into your country and allowing women to iron their daughters’ breasts.

The practice involves applying a super-heated stone to a pubescent girl’s chest and making her screech in pain as her mother kills developing breast tissue in the hope that preventing her daughter from ever rockin’ some bitchin’ triple-Ds will keep her safe from unwanted male attention and being raped over and over and over again. Sure, it can cause physical and psychological damage and even lead to breast cancer, but in the struggle to prevent rape, sometimes you have to break a few eggs if you want to make an omelet.


Every Monday, Jim Goad reads the previous day’s “Week That Perished” on his podcast.

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