April 30, 2017

The Week’s Most Detestable, Suggestible, and Indigestible Headlines

Baby-faced pop singer Justin Bieber has earned a quarter-billion dollars and sold 45 million records merely by dint of being a white male who pretends to be black.

Three years ago at age 20, the African-American-appropriatin”€™ Caucasian sensation nearly suffered premature career death when it was revealed that he”€™d dropped several N-bombs on video at age 14 before his voice had even fully changed”€”then again, that’s a word that black people often use, so all was forgiven. In his tireless quest to be the blackest white performer of his generation, he has faced arrest for DUI and resisting arrest while drag-racing, DUI yet again, allegedly assaulting a paparazzo in Argentina, assaulting a limo driver in Montreal, and spray-painting graffiti on a hotel wall in Rio de Janeiro.

In 2014, he was also forced to move out of his plush mansion in Calabasas, CA, after neighbors Jeffrey and Suzanne Schwartz extracted an $80,000 settlement from the rambunctious wigger after a horrid incident that involved him egging their house. The Schwartzes still claim that they suffer body aches and sleeplessness as a result of Bieber’s thoughtless egging escapade. They have now allegedly filed court documents that claim Bieber’s bodyguard verbally abused them for being a son and daughter of Judah:

…threatening a man with body harm while calling him a ‘little Jew boy’ and intimidating him with ‘what are you going to do about it, Jew boy?’ is a hate crime.

The Schwartzes”€™ lawyers make no bones about the fact that Bieber himself uttered no anti-Semitic remarks. Still, the fact that he didn”€™t immediately murder his bodyguard for terrorizing Jews leads to only two possible mutually exclusive conclusions: Either Justin Bieber is a Nazi, or the Schwartzes are a huge pain in the ass.

“€œEither Justin Bieber is a Nazi, or the Schwartzes are a huge pain in the ass.”€

Billy McFarland is a douchey-looking 25-year-old entrepreneur who claims that “€œafter computers, the two things I love most are the ocean and, for some reason, rap music.”€ A few months ago he teamed up with million-selling rapper Ja Rule, who has served separate prison sentences on weapons and tax-evasion charges. The interracial pals both decided it would be a good idea to host an astronomically priced music festival on some remote islands in the Bahamas that had almost zero infrastructure but at least used to belong to drug kingpin Pablo Escobar.

Tickets for the sold-out Fyre Festival ranged from a humble $5,000 all the way up to a super-luxurious $250,000. But just as festival-goers started arriving, it all fell apart. What were touted as luxury villas were instead nothing more than “€œdisaster relief tents,”€ and the “€œcelebrity chef-prepared meals”€ that had been promised turned out to be cheese sandwiches with lettuce in Styrofoam containers. Wild dogs roamed the premises, hostile locals began threatening the attendees, and security guards allegedly punched and robbed one concertgoer of his wallet. A tropical thunderstorm destroyed pipes and ripped the tents to the ground, leaving what one observer called “€œa complete dump, just a rain-soaked mud bowl”€ that was worse than a refugee camp. The entire event was canceled as desperate, hungry, shivering millennials scrambled to catch planes back home.

Organizers said this Millennial Altamont merely showed signs of “€œthe growing pains that every first-year event experiences”€ and promised to do a better job next year.

Since everyone knows that anyone who isn”€™t a violent totalitarian leftist is, in fact, a Nazi, an anti-fascist collective in the formerly quaint and beautiful town of Portland, Oregon were able to shut down the annual 82nd Avenue of Roses Parade before it started.

An anonymous email threat was sent to parade organizers:

You have seen how much power we have downtown and that the police cannot stop us from shutting down roads so please consider your decision wisely…we will have two hundred or more people rush into the parade into the middle and drag and push those people out as we will not give one inch to groups who espouse hatred toward lgbt, immigrants, people of color or others.

Who was this shadowy group of violent Nazi street warriors who were poised to bash and smash and club and hammer all nonwhite males into submission? The local hate group known as the Multnomah County Republicans.

As everyone knows, Republicans don”€™t have the guts to do such things, but the parade was canceled anyway.

Due to their systemic marginalization and objectification and repudiation by the white supremacist capitalist power structure, last Saturday evening in Oakland a group of 40-60 “€œjuveniles“€ swarmed through a Bay Area Rapid Transit train, robbing and beating people at will. Since most of the juveniles are thought to be minors, it is illegal to show video-surveillance photos of them, but we”€™ll go out on a limb and assume most of them were Armenian.

An academic paper in the journal Pediatrics argues that to depict breastfeeding as “€œnatural”€ is “€œethically problematic”€ since it enforces patriarchal gender roles and may dissuade people from doing highly unnatural and potentially toxic things to their children such as giving them vaccines.

According to coauthors Jessica Martucci and Anne Barnhill:

we are concerned about breastfeeding promotion that praises breastfeeding as the “€œnatural”€ way to feed infants. This messaging plays into a powerful perspective that “€œnatural”€ approaches to health are better….Promoting breastfeeding as “€œnatural”€ may be ethically problematic, and, even more troublingly, it may bolster this belief that “€œnatural”€ approaches are presumptively healthier. This may ultimately challenge public health’s aims in other contexts, particularly childhood vaccination.

It is our professional opinion that these dizzy broads shouldn”€™t be allowed anywhere near children.


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