June 22, 2015

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The Week’s Most Bombastic, Sarcastic, and Iconoclastic Headlines

Although few will admit it, everyone secretly knows that Mexico is infested with demons.

There are the drug gangs and the prostitutes and the human slaves and the underpaid mariachi players and the mass graves and the corrupt police and the machete-wielding headhunters and a Satanic death cult known as Santa Muerte which all by itself likely releases millions of demons into Mexico’s general population every year.

But that all may change now, as it was revealed last week that Catholic clergy in Guadalajara performed a ceremony that exorcised the entire gosh-darned nation of Mexico.

“€¨Cardinal Íñiguez of Guadalajara performed the mass exorcism behind closed doors in San Luís Potosí before a small crowd of “€œseveral exorcists and demonologists.”€ It is presumed that a demonologist may be best described as a would-be exorcist who, at least for the moment, finds himself incapable of casting out demons from individuals as well as countries.

The only question that remains at press time is: Where did all these demons go? One assumes that at least, oh, somewhere in the ballpark of 12-20 million demons were cast out of Mexico as a result of this ceremony. Wherever could they have gone? They need a home. Who will provide them a path to citizenship?

Reality-show star, sex symbol, tycoon, and professional hair stylist Donald Trump has not allowed a tragic birth defect of being born with extremely short fingers to prevent him from becoming one of America’s most famous, brash, loud, self-promoting billionaires.

“€œKindly weep for the state of our nation, will you?”€

On Tuesday at Trump Tower, accompanied by his latest trophy wife whose name escapes us at the moment, Trump descended an escalator in front of adoring throngs to the strains of Neil Young’s “€œRockin”€™ in the Free World”€ as his own ostentatiously cheesy way of announcing his candidacy for president of these here United States. Trump will be running as a Republican, which shocked many who presumed he”€™d start his own party with the word “€œTrump”€ in it somewhere.

His hair obviously swept up by the winds of change that promise to engulf this great nation, Trump delivered a thunderous oration about everything he felt was wrong with America and everything that he knew he could do to solve it.

Trump hammered on the idea that China was robbing America blind:

[T]hey devalue their currency so brilliantly….Their leaders are much smarter than our leaders….There’s too much”€”it’s like, it’s like take the New England Patriots and Tom Brady and have them play your high school football team. That’s the difference between China’s leaders and our leaders.

Trump also promised that if elected president, he would “build a great, great wall on our southern border and I’ll have Mexico pay for that wall.”

We reported a month ago that a group of feminist activists”€”which is a nice way of saying a bunch of squawking hens with too much time on their hands”€”was campaigning to have butt-ugly slave-shuttler Hariet Tubman‘s face put on the US $20 bill.

In their role as second-class citizens, women will once again have to settle for only half as much pay. Last Wednesday US Treasury Secretary Jack Lew”€”whose name rhymes with “€œJew,”€ which is a huge coincidence because he’s an Orthodox one”€”announced that starting in 2020, an as-yet-unspecified woman will share space on the $10 bill with Alexander Hamilton.

So actually, a woman’s face is only going on half of the $10 bill, which naturally means that women make only $5 for every $20 that men make. It’s an important distinction for helping to understand gender inequities in this country.

According to Lew, the “€œnew $10 bill will be the first bill in more than a century to feature a portrait of a woman.”€ He will decide which woman by the year’s end. We here at Taki’s Mag encourage our dedicated and beloved commenters to suggest the most appropriate woman. Which chick’s mug would you like to see on a sawbuck?


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