March 16, 2015

Michelle Obama

Michelle Obama

Source: Shutterstock

The Week’s Most Kinetic, Splenetic, and Frenetic Headlines

Racists, Republicans, Tea Partiers, libertarians, Fox News watchers, Koch Industries operatives, and basically all white people throughout history have some sort of sick need to say that our beloved First Lady, Michelle Jemima Obama, looks like an ape. Despite the fact that scientists have scientifically discredited and debunked this so-called “€œtheory,”€ this wicked idea that she doesn”€™t look fully and vibrantly human stubbornly persists in the maggot-ridden souls of the hateful and the small-minded.

This was made so much worse last week when a nonwhite male said she looks like an ape.

Until very recently, Rodner Figueroa was a gay-looking broadcaster for Univision, the Spanish-language TV network that reaches nearly 100 million US households. But now Figueroa is a gay-looking ex-broadcaster for Univision. On Thursday, while live on television and chattering away in his native tongue, Figueroa implied in a very rude and insensitive manner than Ms. Obama looks like a cast member from Planet of the Apes.

Univision released a statement calling Figueroa’s remark “€œcompletely reprehensible.”€

After his firing, Figueroa claimed that an unnamed Univision official told him they”€™d received a direct call from the White House complaining of the Planet of the Apes remark. Both Univision and the White House deny that this ever happened, just like you”€™d expect them to do.

“Chicks are crazy, especially the ones who aren”€™t really chicks.”

It was recently revealed that senior-year students at Albuquerque’s Cottonwood Classical Preparatory School had voted to throw themselves a communist-themed senior prom, which they wackily dubbed “€œprom-munism.”€ One member of the senior class claimed that others in her grade “€œare really intense with politics.”€

After a mild backlash last week, the students hastily reconvened, ditched the communist idea, and voted instead to have a “€œprom-themed prom,”€ whatever the hell that is.

A massive media hullabaloo emerged last week after the release of cell-phone video of Oklahoma frat boys eagerly chirping out a silly football-style chant with the word “€œnigger”€ in it.

Suddenly, almost as if you couldn”€™t see this coming a mile way, other frat boys across the nation are facing investigations and expulsion for either saying or typing “€œnigger”€ and other such cuss words.

At the University of Washington, black students with colorful names such as “€œDirir Abdullahi”€ are all of a sudden claiming that back in late February during one of those joyous and absolutely necessary “€œBlack Lives Matter”€ march, frat members at the school’s Sigma Alpha Epsilon frat house called them “€œapes”€ as they marched by their frat house in solidarity. University officials are investigating the matter and are probably very scared, shocked, disgusted, freaked out, and upset.

The University of Maryland is “€œopening an investigation“€ into an email sent by a presumably Caucasian member of the Kappa Sigma Fraternity to his frat brethren in anticipation of an upcoming shindig:

Regardless of the rush shirt let’s get rachet [sic] as fuck during rush week. My dick will be sucked and fucked in compound basement whether you guys like it or not. Don’t invite any nigger gals or curry monsters or slanted eye chinks, unless they’re hot. Ziggy you’re [sic] girl can come she’s cool. Remember my niggas, erect, assert, and insert, and above all else, fuck consent … dicks untouched.

According to university president Wallace Loh:

I am struggling with justifying this email as free speech…Where does free speech and hate speech collide? What should prevail?

The answer: free speech, although “€œcurry monsters”€ was a bit harsh.

A rather insanely violent cell-phone video filmed last week at a Brooklyn McDonald’s reveals a gaggle of two to three dozen black onlookers whoopin”€™ and hollerin”€™ and shouting “€œdamn!”€ as a group of five or six black girls in their mid-teens beat the ever-lovin”€™ brains out of another black female.

The alleged ringleader on the video, who continues kicking the victim in the head even as she’s down on the ground and apparently unconscious, is 16-year-old alleged gang member named Aniah Ferguson.

That’s right”€””€œFerguson,”€ in case the irony escaped you.

She has allegedly been arrested six times since last September. One incident involved punching a pregnant woman in the head while at a hospital. Another involved stabbing her brother with a knife.  Yet another involved threatening her grandmother and then violating a protection order the grandma had taken out on her.

Miss Ferguson, if all this is true, well, then, you know, you should be a little ashamed of yourself.


Sign Up to Receive Our Latest Updates!