April 13, 2015
The Week’s Most Bilious, Supercilious, and Punctilious Headlines
COVER YOUR BALLS, GENTS: HILLARY CLINTON IS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT
A stern warning to the white males who comprise roughly 99.95687% of our readership: If you thought it was tedious being bludgeoned with accusations of “racism” ever since Barack Obama took office, imagine having it followed up with an eight-year block of endless nagging about being a sexist pig. It won”t be pretty.
On Sunday, Miz Clinton announced she is running for president. You can rest assured that the slightest whiff of criticism of Madame Clinton will lead to relentless charges of “sexism” falling like bloody tampons from the sky.
Did you realize that merely referring to her as “Hillary” is sexist?
There’s even a watchdog group named HRC Super Volunteers who have taken it upon themselves put the world “on notice that we will be watching, reading, listening and protesting coded sexism.” Coded sexism is similar to benevolent sexism and institutional racism in that it doesn”t really have to exist in order for fanatics to insist that it does. The group insists that anyone who refers to the suspected lesbian presidential hopeful as ambitious, polarizing, secretive, and overconfident”among many other words”is guilty of coded sexism.
The sound you hear is that of American balls being busted”possibly for years.
A SOCIAL JUSTICE SUICIDE OUTSIDE CAPITOL BUILDING?
On Saturday afternoon as Washington, DC was thronged with tourists visiting to celebrate the annual Cherry Blossom Festival, an as-yet-unidentified man shot himself to death near the Capitol Building, leading to a two-hour lockdown of the area.
Details remain sketchy, but according to reports the man had been carrying a sign that mentioned “social justice” and something about taxing “the 1%.” It is unclear why he thought that blowing his own head off would achieve either objective.
According to one report, the oft-maligned 1% pay more taxes than the bottom 90% combined. According to another study, the bottom 40% of Americans receive more in government benefits than they pay in taxes.
Perhaps if this unidentified social-justice suicide casualty had only studied the facts, he”d be alive today.
FETUS SURVIVES HOLOCAUST, RECEIVES GOVERNMENT COMPENSATION
Rina Sagir’s mother was never in a concentration camp, although she did find refuge with some Polish sympathizers during World War II. Somehow, this qualifies her mom as a “Holocaust survivor.” But not only that”since during the time of her hiding she became pregnant with Rina, this qualifies her daughter as a “Holocaust survivor” as well.
Now a resident of Israel, Sagir was recently determined to be qualified to receive survivor’s benefits totaling 2,500 shekels (around $630) monthly as well as certain medical and tax breaks. “Doctors investigated and learned that the fact that I was a fetus during the Holocaust impacted by life and my health,” Sagir told a reporter.
THIRD GRADERS SEND ADORABLE “GET WELL” CARDS TO CONVICTED COP-SLAYER
Mumia Abu-Jamal is the dreadlocked cop-murderer globally celebrated by sheltered puffballs who have neither empathy nor a rudimentary understanding of what cops have to endure. If they”re sent into a tizzy over the merest accusation of “racism,” one can”t imagine them handling being threatened, assaulted, and shot at regularly.
Mumia reportedly collapsed recently in the bathroom at the Pennsylvania state prison where he’s serving a life sentence. It’s been suggested he’s suffering from diabetes, and recent photos suggest that he’s at least suffering from something.
Marylin Zunig, a hi-yella teacher of third-grade students in Orange, NJ, recently had her pupils write a series of “get well” letters to Mumia during his time of suffering and infirmity. This batch of letters was coupled with another batch written by Philadelphia high-schoolers and delivered to Mr. Abu-Jamal by Johanna Fernandez, a college history professor. “It had been a long time since we had seen Mumia smile,” Fernandez said. “He chuckled as he read excerpts from these touching letters.”
Supporters worldwide are wishing Mumia a speedy recovery and an eventual pardon in the hopes that, y”know, one day he”ll get out and kill more white cops.
Daily updates with TM’s latest