August 14, 2016

Source: Wikimedia Commons

The Week’s Scariest, Wariest, and Hairiest Headlines

The wondrous and clean-smelling progress we’ve made as a nation ever since the cool and groovy Civil Rights movement of the 1960s kicked into gear has now come full circle. Whereas whites used to claim the exclusive right to live apart from nonwhites, now it’s the Peeps O’ Color who want to cloister themselves from the oppressive stench of whiteness.

Three Personages of Color attending Southern California’s Claremont colleges ignited a firestorm recently when one of them posted on Facebook that they were seeking a fourth roommate to live with them off-campus. The solicitation was racially restrictive: “POC only.” (POC is an acronym for People of Color, who, if you weren’t aware, have been kept down from their golden potential and beaten bloody by People Without Color for roughly 100,000 years or so now.)

Karé Ureña, a teenage Person of Blackness, specified that the reason they were not seeking a pasty-assed roommate was because “I don’t want to live with any white folks.” Ureña and the other two Colorful People explained to the Washington Post:

We live in a world where the living circumstances of POC are grounded in racist social structures that we can not opt out of. These conditions threaten the minds, bodies and souls of people of color both within and without the realms of higher education. We are fighting to exist….Our people are being killed. Every which way, through every which angle. Our people are being killed. Our housing arrangements are not racist. They are not exclusive. We are simply fighting to exist and we are fighting to exist in whatever way we can.

Wow, so sorry to hear that your people are being killed. Statistically, do you have any idea who’s killing them? Would the culprits possibly consist of, like, oh, anywhere in the ballpark of 92.5% other People of Color? By the way, how are your math scores?

“€œThe sun has not only set on the British Empire; it’s questionable whether it will ever rise again.”€

A female member of the Latino Student Union“€”“Latinos” are People of Color just like black people, although with roughly 34.7% less color”€”explained that wanting to live exclusively with other People of Color was not racist or discriminatory or evil or any of those other things that white people do:

People of color are allowed to create safe POC only spaces. It is not reverse racism or discriminatory, it is self preservation.

Very true. God only knows when some careless white person might accidentally drop their biology book somewhere on campus, causing a Person of Color to trip over it and suffer a scraped knee.

A certain Terriyonna Smith, identified as an “Africana Studies” major, posted her deep-rooted and soulful feelings about the controversy thusly:

White people always mad when they don”€™t feel included but at the end of the day y”€™all are damaging asf [as fuck] and if a POC feels they need to protect themselves from that toxic environment THEY CAN!

That damaging, toxic environment sounds unbearable. Have you ever looked into what it would cost for a one-way plane ticket to Africa?

White students mostly remained silent during this controversy, just as they’ve been trained to do.

Students at a middle school near Savannah, GA were deep-fried in cultural enrichment last week when a worksheet was handed out asking them to translate the following dialogue into proper English:

“€œYo dog I”€™m tired of getting punked by the po po for sportin my bling bling”€

“€œTrue dat! You know they be trippin”€™ cause our gear is da bomb. I mean we all that and a bag of chips!”€

In our role as cultural liaisons here at Taki’s Mag, we will spare you the bother of attempting the translation. Here’s what these young urban youths were saying:

“Hello there, my friend. It wearies me to face the constant harassment of law enforcement merely because I dress in expensive clothing and jewelry.”

“You speak the truth. You must realize that our fabulous attire causes them a great deal of consternation. We are exceptional human beings.”

God bless the American educational system.

A recent rally held in Ferguson, MO in honor of Michael Brown”€”a fat young black male who robbed a grocery store and than attempted to steal a police officer’s gun before he was shot to death for making such a foolhardy move”€”was described as a “peaceful gathering.” That is, until gunfire broke out after a car plowed through protestors who were blocking a road.

At a “peaceful rally” in Detroit sponsored by our friends and confidants in Black Lives Matter, gunfire suddenly erupted after a man stole another man’s Cartier glasses.


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