August 23, 2014

Source: Shutterstock

The Week’s Most Pathetic, Emetic, and Herpetic Headlines

The 9/11 attacks were possibly the most striking and well-orchestrated act of political theater in world history. Modern jihadists may be sorely outgunned and underfinanced compared to their Western enemies, but they”€™ve become so adept in the art of political terror, it may be time to create a special Oscars category and hand them a Lifetime Achievement Award.

In the decade that has intervened since the infamous grainy videotaped beheading of American businessman Nick Berg by Islamist militants in Iraq, it appears as if Allah’s soldiers have attended a few high-tech film-production classes. This week, agents of the self-proclaimed Islamic State (variously referred to as ISIS or ISIL) that is raining holy hell in Iraq and Syria released a video titled “A Message to America” on social media. It depicts American photojournalist James Wright Foley, last seen in Syria in 2012, clad in orange and on his knees in an unspecified desert location. Behind him stands a knife-wielding executioner clad in what apparently is the Islamic version of a ninja costume. The executioner speaks perfect English in what sounds like a British accent. Foley delivers an obviously prepared speech in which he says that when Americans recently started bombing the Islamic State, they signed his “death certificate.”

And then it’s off with his head for all the world to see.

“€œRioting”€”sorry, protests”€”continued this week in the crappy little St. Louis suburb of Ferguson, Missouri.”€

Pressure by pro-Palestinian agitators in London have led to one branch of British food chain Sainsbury’s to remove all kosher food from its shelves. Reacting to a rise in either anti-Zionist, anti-Jewish, or anti-Semitic (take your pick) sentiment across Europe, the Jewish Chronicle recently conducted a poll wherein nearly two-thirds of British Jews claimed they’ve had conversations questioning whether they have a future in the UK.

On Sunday in Tel Aviv, a crowd of 200 or so Israeli nationalists chanting “Death to Arabs!” were held at bay by about a hundred police officers near the wedding of 26-year-old Mahmud Mansur to his 23-year-old bride, Morel Malka, who was born Jewish but recently converted to Islam. Malka’s father had already declared on Israeli TV that he would not attend his daughter’s wedding. The anti-intermarriage organization Lehava reportedly organized the protest. Lehava head Benzi Gopstein declared, “This is a wedding but there is nothing to celebrate because assimilation is a scourge.”

Fat, balding, homely 26-year-old Russian-born homosexual Mischa Badasyan claims he’s never had a lasting relationship with another man, although he’s had scads of lonely sexual encounters with other men in public places that have left him crying and feeling empty. He has announced plans to have sex with a different man every day for a year starting in September and film it as an art project. Rather than openly mocking him, the website Mic claims that Badasyan’s “project” will ask “powerful questions about today’s hook-up culture, particularly within the gay experience, and how that in turn translates to loneliness.” It is doubtful that one of those “powerful questions” will be, “What the hell is wrong with this guy?”

The thirteen-year-old New Jersey boy whose birth certificate lists his name as Brian Pepe has decided over the summer that he is, in fact, a girl named Rachel Pepe, although the local middle school isn’t buying it. His mother, Angela Peters”€”note the different surname”€”dyes her hair blue and claims to be furious that the school will not accept her son’s new gender identity. Regarding his transition from male to female, Brian/Rachel claims, “I sort of felt something missing, that something was wrong.” One thing is glaringly missing from the article”€”any mention of the boy’s father.

Further proving that there is nothing at all mentally ill about men who believe they are actually women, the Season One finale of TV program Botched features “transgender star and plastic surgery addict Monique Allen,” who has allegedly undergone more than 200 surgeries in search of his true self. This includes “over a gallon of silicone” that has been injected into his body. You can see a clip of Monique’s absolutely normal and sane music video here.

The city of San Francisco has graduated its first transgender police officer, Mikayla Connell, a pretend female who was so beloved by his clients that they selected him as class president. “There’s literally been a sea change in the way, at least this state and maybe the country, views LGBT people and transgender people,” Connell told a reporter. “I got literally nothing but love and acceptance from my classmates.” But watching a video of Connell’s still-mannish features and undeniably masculine voice leaves little doubt that Connell is still literally a man.

Thomas Beatie, the infamous “Pregnant Man” who made news splashes in 2008 by delivering a baby through her female reproductive organs even though  Beatie claimed to be a man, has been granted a dissolution of his Hawaiian marriage by an Arizona court. Although gay marriage is not legal in Arizona, the dissolution was permitted under the “reasoning” that since Beatie is supposedly a “man””€”even though she has delivered a total of three babies through her female reproductive organs all while claiming to be a man”€”her marriage to another woman was therefore not a gay marriage. And if you question any of this, you will be the one condemned as delusional.


Sign Up to Receive Our Latest Updates!