December 06, 2015

Tyson Fury

Tyson Fury

Source: Wikimedia Commons

The Week’s Most Barbarian, Contrarian, and Totalitarian Headlines

A self-described Irish Gypsy named Tyson Fury became the world’s new heavyweight boxing champion by winning a unanimous decision against Ukraine’s Vladimir Klitschko, who’d been undefeated since 2006. Klitschko and his brother Vitali”€”who retired from boxing in 2013 to subsequently become Mayor of Kiev”€”had dominated the heavyweight division throughout the new millennium.

Like the Klitschkos, the 6’9”, 250-pound Tyson Fury”€”who weighed one pound at birth and was named after Mike Tyson”€”is white. Unlike the Klitschkos, the undefeated Fury is charismatic and has promised fans that he will be the most entertaining heavyweight champ since Muhammad Ali.

The sports press”€”who somehow of late have managed to be even more blindly PC than anything on Think Progress or Tumblr”€”are wetting their panties about Fury’s numerous insensitive comments. Among these comments:

“€¢ SEXISM! “I”€™m not sexist. I believe a woman’s best place is in the kitchen and on her back. That’s my personal belief. Making me a good cup of tea, that’s what I believe….A woman’s there to be loved, cook food and have some kids. Like Muslims have their ways, we have ours. There are girls who open their legs to every Tom, Dick and Harry. They are looked upon as rubbish. If I had a sister who did that, I”€™d hang her.”€

“€¢ HOMOPHOBIA! “€œThere are only three things that need to be accomplished before the Devil comes home: one of them is homosexuality being legal in countries, one of them is abortion and the other one’s pedophilia.”€

“€œI”€™m not sexist. I believe a woman’s best place is in the kitchen and on her back.”€ “€”Tyson Fury

“€¢ RACISM! “€œWhy do we need to mention [black American boxer] Deontay Wilder? Let’s have a laugh at his name, shall we?”€

UK’s The Times calls him “an appalling man, even by his sport’s depraved standards…an ordinary slugger with repugnant opinions.” And there’s a petition afoot to disqualify him as a candidate from the BBC’s Sports Personality of the Year contest because he’s a sexist, homophobic, racist meanie.

All hail the new champ!

Although blacks have yet to achieve parity with other groups when it comes to things such as technological innovation, they have proved to be fabulously innovative when it comes to fabricating hate crimes against themselves.

Last week a young black lassie in New Jersey was charged with creating a false public alarm after she Tweeted a series of death threats against black students at Kean University.

A 50-year-old black former police officer in Connecticut was charged with falsely reporting an incident after it turned out that he was the one who’d typed and placed the threatening “white power” letter he claimed to have found in his police station mailbox.

And finally, a 21-year-old Chicago engineering student caused a lockdown at the University of Chicago campus last Monday after posting a threat to kill “approximately 16 white male students and staff” in retaliation for the 16 bullets a Chicago cop used to kill Laquan “My Mother Doomed Me To Failure By Giving Me This First Name” McDonald. The student, 21-year-old Jabari R. Dean, was arrested after posting a threat to kill “€œapproximately 16 white male students and or staff”€ on the University of Chicago campus Monday:

This is my only warning. At 10 a.m. on Monday mourning [sic], I am going to the campus quad of the University of Chicago. I will be armed with an M-4 Carbine and 2 Desert Eagles all fully loaded. I will execute approximately 16 white male students and or staff, which is the same number of time McDonald was killed. I then will die killing any number of white policemen in the process. This is not a joke. I am to do my part to rid the world of the white devils. I expect you to do the same.

The FBI subsequently deemed his threat not credible because McDonald didn’t actually possess an M-4 Carbine and two Desert Eagles.

Part of the scourges and ravages of the patriarchy’s unfair 10,000-year stronghold on civilization is that it unfairly suppressed women from doing stupid things with their vaginas and calling it art.

An unnamed blonde woman pranked hapless males at a shopping center by videotaping herself masturbating in the store’s bathroom, then asking a series of male shoppers to smell her fingers. One of them told her the aroma was “too strong.”

British blogger Zoe Stavri used her own vaginal yeast to bake bread by “scraping white goop off a dildo into a bowl of flour mixed with water.” She ate the bread and appears to have found the entire experience empowering.

And a so-called artist named Christen Clifford used “a vibrator that doubles as an internal camera” to take a picture of her vaginal walls and turn it into a delightful scarf she calls a “Pussy Bow.”


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