January 29, 2017
Source: Wikimedia Commons
The Week’s Most Benign, Anodyne, and Asinine Headlines
NEW PRESIDENT SPROUTS WINGS AND SOARS
In his first week as President of These Here United States, Our Glorious Leader Donald J. Trump swept down from Valhalla and accomplished more than most presidents do in a lifetime.
Among his innumerable wonderful and admirable achievements:
“¢ He signed an Executive Order to “secure the southern border of the United States through the immediate construction of a physical wall.”
“¢ He threatened to cut federal funding to “sanctuary cities” that harbor illegal aliens who clean toilets, sell drugs, and rape women.
“¢ He stabbed the Trans Pacific Partnership to death.
“¢ He enacted an immediate federal hiring freeze.
“¢ He called for a “major investigation” into voter fraud during the last election.
“¢ He advanced plans for the Keystone and Dakota pipelines.
“¢ He temporarily blocked all refugees from entering the United States for 120 days. He blocked Syrian refugees indefinitely and barred visa applicants from Iraq, Yemen, Libya, Iran, Somalia, and Sudan, thus sparing American citizens from a tremendous influx of body odor.
“¢ He won high holy hosannas from American labor-union chiefs.
“¢ He met with British Prime Minister Theresa May, whereupon they winked at each other and whispered that they would make the Anglosphere great again.
It ain”t vainglorious if it’s great again!
Despite all these monumental achievements, the press attempted to deflect attention by focusing on the size of his inauguration crowd and showing pictures of crying Muslims.
INSANE ACTOR LAUNCHES FOUR-YEAR ANTI-TRUMP “INSTALLATION,” QUICKLY GETS ARRESTED
Shia Laboeuf is a mentally ill thespian who just happens to be Jewish, which you don”t often see in the entertainment industry.
As part of his rapidly escalating and very public mental decline, Labeouf does performance-art pieces where he sits in a tent, wears a paper bag over his head that reads “I AM NOT FAMOUS ANYMORE,” and winds up accidentally getting raped by a female attendee.
His most recent art installation is called “HE WILL NOT DIVIDE US,” and it consists of a video camera placed outside the Museum of the Moving Image in Queens that is intended to livestream young progressive zombies blankly chanting the phrase “HE WILL NOT DIVIDE US” for at least the first four years of the Trump Administration. Some idiot writer for The Week dubbed the whole dumb mess “the first great art of the Trump era.”
On Thursday Labeouf was arrested for physically assaulting a Trump supporter during the installation, whom he of course referred to as a “Nazi,” because as we all know, EVERY Trump supporter is a Nazi. Upon his release from jail, Labeouf went back to his installation and chanted “HE WILL NOT DIVIDE US” in front of the camera for about another half-hour before running away from reporters into his hotel.
But there’s an even happier ending: Truly the first great art of the Trump era occurred late the other night when a gaggle of fat, middle-aged Trump supporters from Queens hijacked Labeouf’s installation with a hilarious, expletive-laced attack on Labeouf and his entire stupid project.