March 26, 2017

The Week’s Most Frightening, Enlightening, and Whitening Headlines

Canada is a nation that hates America because America is much more famous than Canada. Its prime minister, the alleged bastard son of Fidel Castro,  wears goofy hats and takes orders from George Soros. Canada is easily the most suicidal country in the West, and for the sake of mankind it would probably be best if US forces were to forcefully invade it immediately.

As part of the frozen, dying nation’s long, public death rattle, the Canadian House of Commons passed a motion last week officially condemning “€œsystemic racism and religious discrimination,”€ but with an extra-special focus on “€œIslamophobia,”€ which, as everyone knows, is a disease you catch from Muslims.

Motion 103, which in a wild twist of fate just so happens to be authored by Pakistani-born Canadian Parliamentarian Iqra Khalid, commands the government to face eastward, kneel prostrate, touch its forehead to the ground, and “€œcondemn Islamophobia and all forms of systemic racism and religious discrimination.”€ This non-binding motion does not attempt to define “€œIslamophobia,”€ but it appears to rule out the possibility that a common citizen’s apprehension about increasing numbers of Muslims in Canada may be an entirely justifiable survival instinct based on a deep understanding of Islam’s 1,400-year history of murderous hostility toward all things Western.

Earlier this month at a protest of the proposed measure, masked white anarchists allegedly beat up numerous Muslims who”€™d fled Islamic countries and considered this motion the first step toward sharia law.

“€œOne of the things we actually liked about Mexico was the idea that it is extremely sexist.”€

For months now the press and certain ethno-religious activist organizations That Must Not Be Named have been hyping an anti-Semitic Hate Wave that’s heating up like a giant oven across the United States. They”€™ve blamed it on Donald Trump, who is a hardcore Zionist and obviously let his daughter marry an Orthodox Jew as a cover for the fact that he secretly wishes for Jews to be beaten in the streets.

Initial reports of purposely toppled headstones in a Jewish cemetery in Brooklyn turned out to be caused by “€œpoor maintenance“€ rather than “€œanti-Semitism.”€

It is apparently true that Jewish Community Centers across the nation have been targeted with over 100 bomb threats since Trump’s election. But to the undoubted dismay of Nazi-hunters across the globe, so far we have yet to receive confirmation that even one of them was perpetrated by a white “€œNazi.”€ Instead, there was disgraced black reporter Juan Thompson, recently arrested for attempting to frame his white ex-girlfriend for some of the bomb threats. And now comes the grimly hilarious news that a male Jewish teenager living in Israel”€”but possessing dual American citizenship”€”has been arrested in connection with making “€œover 100 bomb threats“€ against Jewish centers not only in America, but in “€œEurope, Australia, and New Zealand.”€

According to the Colorado Gazette, “€œJews worldwide uttered a collective gasp“€ when they heard that a Jew had been arrested for the threats.

Since nothing on this big blue marble we call Planet Earth amuses us more than the specter of white people lying prostrate while apologizing for being white and being called “€œracist”€ anyway, we are pleased to announce that we found great glee in reading “€œUnhappy Confessions: The Temptation of Admitting to White Privilege,”€ published by the always hysterical Feminist Philosophy Quarterly. In academic gobbledygook that is as thick and opaque as huge blood clots on a freshly removed tampon, author Claire A. Lockard writes:

Admissions of white privilege or racism can be conceptualized as Foucauldian confessions that are pleasurable to enact but ultimately reinforce white people’s feelings of goodness and allow them to avoid addressing this racism.

We agree that white people appear to do this sort of self-flagellation routine in order to feel good about themselves rather than doing anything concrete to improve the material conditions of nonwhites. We are greatly amused that Ms. Lockard thinks that by publicly declaring they are not racist, white ethnomasochists actually become more racist on a subconscious level. And, greatest of all, we guffaw heartily at the idea that by posturing as if she understands “€œanti-racism”€ better other self-hating whites do, by her own dopey rules she has possibly unmasked herself as the most “€œracist”€ white person who ever lived.

In 2015 Anne Case and Angus Deaton published a report that revealed working-class whites, unlike all other groups in America, were experiencing increased mortality rates due largely to causes such as suicide and substance abuse. They”€™ve now published a follow-up report which blames such “€œdeaths of despair“€ on the twin demons of automation and globalization:

Ultimately, we see our story as about the collapse of the white, high school educated, working class after its heyday in the early 1970s, and the pathologies that accompany that decline….These changes left people with less structure when they came to choose their careers, their religion, and the nature of their family lives. When such choices succeed, they are liberating; when they fail, the individual can only hold him or herself responsible.

In an interview with NPR, Deaton reveals that when it comes to mortality rates, “€œpoorly educated whites have now taken over from blacks as the lowest rung of society.”€


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