May 21, 2017

Source: Wikimedia Commons

The Week’s Most Devastating, Irritating, and Isolating Headlines

Because racism is problematic”€”easily the most problematic problem on the planet”€”it is important to eradicate it not only in humans, but in the animal kingdom.

This bitter lesson is being shoved down the throat of a Scottish lad named Markus Meechan, who faces up to a year in prison on hate-speech charges for the unforgivably unacceptable crime of posting a video where he trains his pug to be a Nazi. This shocking and horrific clip features Meechan forcing the smush-faced pup to watch Hitler speeches while he encourages it to Sieg Heil and wag its tail to the phrase “€œgas the Jews.”€

Even though Meechan sports a hammer-and-sickle tattoo and has bent over backwards to the point where he can kiss his own bunghole trying to explain that he hates Nazis, loves Jews, and was only trying to annoy his girlfriend with the video, The Scottish Council of Jewish Communities has decreed that he deserves punishment:

It is a form of racism which needs to be condemned just as we would any other form of racism, just as we would condemn Islamophobia or anti-African racism.

Meechan claims he fully expects to be convicted of hate speech, which will probably make him unemployable for the rest of his life:

If I”€™m…sentenced to prison, that will be a sign that this country has taken a step down a very, very dark path where people can actually spend time in prison for comedy.

We believe he deserves life in prison”€”for apologizing.

“€œWe believe he deserves life in prison”€”for apologizing.”€

Does anyone think that even ten years ago it would be possible for one major media outlet after another after another would use the phrase “€œwoman’s testicles”€ in a headline?

Fifty-seven-year-old James Pennington of Colorado is being charged with felony assault after a botched gender-reassignment surgery in the victim’s Denver apartment went awry, leaving the dude’s scrotum bleeding profusely. According to the affidavit, the wannabe woman suffered “€œrisk of permanent disfigurement”€ after the bungled surgery.

But isn”€™t permanent disfigurement the point of gender-reassignment surgery? 

Disgraced congressman, professional pervert, and archaeopteryx impersonator Anthony Weiner is now officially a sex offender after pleading guilty to engaging in months of sexually charged texts with a wee lass of 15. He faces up to 10 years in prison. Upon accepting his conviction, the ironically named Weiner groveled to the court:

I have compulsively sought attention from women who contacted me on social media, and I engaged with many of them in both sexual and non-sexual conversation. These destructive impulses brought great devastation to my family and friends, and destroyed my life’s dream of public service….I remained in denial even as the world around me fell apart….I have a sickness, but I do not have an excuse.

Mere hours after his conviction, Weiner’s estranged wife Huma Abedin”€”whose dad thinks sharia law is groovy”€”filed for divorce.

June Chu”€”which, when pronounced out loud, sounds like an early summer culinary festival”€”is a dean at Pierson College, a residential school at Yale University. It has recently come to light that ever since being appointed dean, she left a series of nasty reviews on Yelp that made sweepingly disparaging remarks about white people typical of “€œanti-racist”€ coastal elites:

To put it quite simply: if you are white trash, this is the perfect night out for you…perfect for those low class folks who believe this is a real night out. (review of a Japanese restaurant)

I guess if you were a white person who has no clue what mochi is, this would be fine for you. (review of The Mochi Store)

Although Chu has apologized, the slope-headed, slant-eyed, tiny-breasted rice-nibbler with boyish hips has been placed on leave.

Because the biggest problem in Baltimore is when career criminals accidentally die in police vans rather than, say, a propensity among its denizens for rioting and murdering, we can only blame institutional racism for the fact that in six Baltimore City schools“€”five high schools and one middle school”€”not a single student tested as proficient in state exams of English and math. That’s right”€”not one.

To note that the racial composition of the six schools in question ranged from 90.7% to 99.4% black would be racist, so we will refrain from doing that.


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