November 24, 2014

President Barack Obama

President Barack Obama

Source: Shutterstock

The Week’s Most Vexed, Hexed, and Oversexed Headlines

Last Thursday evening in a live telecast from the White House, our one and only favorite current president, Barack Hussein “€œBarry”€ Soetoro Dunham-Obama, told everyone opposed to amnesty for illegal aliens to go eat a big fat plate of figs. His party having been crushed two weeks prior in the midterm elections and his public approval shrinking as quickly as his once-formidable charisma, Obama basically said, in so many words, that anyone who didn”€™t like his decision to withhold deportation of an estimated five million illegal”€”and very often diminutive”€”immigrants should go put on a pair of flip-flops and kick a bunch of rocks.

“€œYou can come out of the shadows and get right with the law,”€ Obama assured this huddled, frightened mass of five million lawbreakers. Apparently, getting right with the law does not involve being charged for breaking the very laws that by definition determine their status.

“Gracias, Presidente Obama”€ read the signs of supporters outside the White House in some inscrutable and unfamiliar language that was obviously not used to write the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution.

Hillary Clinton took a break from eagerly gobbling a plate of raw oysters at a ladies”€™ club in the West Village (actually, we just made that up) to call Obama’s act of executive fiat “€œan [sic] historic step,”€ which technically is wrong, because you”€™re only supposed to use “€œan”€ when the “€œh”€ is silent, as in “€œhonor,”€ but you shouldn”€™t expect Hillary Clinton to care about basic, decent, human things such as proper grammar.

“€œIs it now a crime in these here United States to notice that politicians are liars and voters are stupid?”€

Obama’s critics”€”who are, by definition, racist and couldn”€™t stop being racist no matter how hard they tried”€”grumbled that Obama had on several occasions claimed he lacked the executive authority to do what he did the other night. They also said that his bold stroke of power-jockeying will create a “€œmagnet effect”€ that will lure yet another brown wave of smelly, law-breaking, flea-infested, tomato-picking losers from around the globe who”€™ll set sail for these battered shores thinking that they”€™ll never get kicked out because Americans no longer have the starch in their shorts to do it.

A bunch of black conservatives lambasted Obama for his decision, which is funny to read, as is anything involving black conservatives, especially when they run in packs.

Obama may not technically be a lame duck until the next president gets elected, but for now, he seems determined to act like a lame dick. Phoeey on ye, Mr. President. May you come down with a painfully visible case of severe dental plaque.

Depending on whom you ask and exactly what breed of dog they have in this game, Jonathan Gruber was either “€œthe architect”€ of the Affordable Care Act or merely an outside consultant whose opinions shouldn”€™t matter a whit.

Video recently emerged of Gruber at a conference last year in Pennsylvania stating that a combination of willful deception on the part of politicians and innate stupidity on the part of voters were essential to pass the Affordable Care Act in the first place:

Lack of transparency is a huge political advantage. And basically, call it the stupidity of the American voter or whatever, but basically that was really, really critical to get the thing to pass.

As a result of his comments receiving wide publicity, the statistical analyst lost contracts with both North Carolina and Vermont. Is it now a crime in these here United States to notice that politicians are liars and voters are stupid?

To use perhaps the most vulgar sexual simile possible, reports of “€œrising tension”€ and “€œmild unrest”€ percolating in Ferguson, MO over the past few days can be likened to pre-cum. In the event that a grand jury that’s been reviewing evidence for three months decides not to indict officer Darren Wilson”€”who, in case every other news outlet in the world didn”€™t remind you, is white”€”on criminal charges for the August 9th shooting of chubby African American teenager Michael Brown, nearly everyone and their mother expects large portions of black America to start a-hootin”€™ and a-hollerin”€™ and destroying property and possibly apprehending and beating up white passersby while calling them nasty and unfair names.

Much of the news has focused on the notion that Brown was “€œunarmed,”€ although this autopsy would reveal that he had two fully functional arms which Wilson’s side claims Brown used in an attempt to wrest the officer’s gun away from him during that fatal encounter at high noon in a heretofore unknown St. Louis suburb whose name will forever be a metaphor of racist police brutality or black dysfunction, whichever way you choose to look at it.

The only implicitly racial aspects of this case are that Wilson is white and Brown was black. That didn”€™t stop Americans”€”egged on by a media that peddles daily hate-panics like they”€™re selling crack to an audience that is hopelessly hooked”€”from going into full-throttle overdrive and making this about nothing but race.

Unlike George Zimmerman, Officer Wilson has managed to stay under the radar all these months, which is perhaps sensible seeing as he’s been hammered with online threats and at least one $5,000 bounty on his head by an “€œurban militia group.”€ You”€™d think these urban militia groups would be able to cough up at least $10,000. A mere $5,000 is, frankly, insulting to both the shooter and the victim.

On Friday a pair of men alleged to belong to the New Black Panther Party were arrested on charges of conspiring to detonate explosives during the inevitable “€œprotests.”€ And after a local KKK group made some murmurs about using “€œlethal force”€ should Ferguson’s streets erupt again, the hacktivist collective Anonymous hacked the Klan group’s website and revealed personal information about many of its members.

If the grand jury doesn”€™t charge Wilson, it’s a safe bet there will be riots. And if they charge him, there may be rioting, anyway”€”by the same people. Sometimes in these cases, it’s hard to tell the difference between a protest and a celebration.


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