Another year, another 365 days of walking, talking human headaches. Sometimes I don’t know why I simply don’t look away from it all—and then, when I can’t come up with an answer, I begin getting annoyed with myself.
It behooves me to stress the difference between “annoying” and “appalling.” These aren’t necessarily the worst people this year; they’re merely those whose sanctimony and muddle-headedness made we want to smack them in the face with a cold trout when no one else was looking.
If you’re looking for “appalling,” there was plenty of that to go around this year as well: the tacky showbiz impresario who trotted around a group of Down syndrome children in drag; the lesbian couple who drove their interracial adopted children off a cliff or the lesbian couple who castrated, murdered, and then dismembered their nine-year-old son—in that order; the Chinese girl who cheated on her boyfriend, felt guilty, accused the guy she cheated on him with of rape, and had the poor guy beaten; and the black rapper who made a music video showing white kids in cages and drinking toilet water.
For me, I suppose the difference between “annoying” and “appalling” is that the latter deserves a lot more than a few slaps with a cold trout.
These are rated in ascending order—from least annoying to so insufferable that I want everyone who ever had so much as a positive thought about them to suffer prolonged and painful deaths via perfectly natural causes. At the very least, they should be custom-fitted for dildos that are three sizes too large.
And for the bajillionth time for all you knuckleheads up in the peanut gallery—I’m talking about people who I, James Thaddeus Francis Goad, personally found annoying this year. I don’t care who you found annoying, and I ESPECIALLY don’t care to hear about how I got some of the answers wrong. This is a subjective matter. I understand that you don’t understand the difference, but at least try to understand that I understand that and you don’t. Understood?
There is no threshold for name recognition here, either, which is why you probably never heard of many of these people and might actually hate me for making you aware of their existence.
I went heavy on the guys this year—all but five of my villains are biological males.
More than anything, I suppose I’m annoyed by people who don’t know who they really are:
There’s a man who believes he’s a dog.
A man who believes he’s a woman who just happens to have hairy balls.
A white woman who is certain she’s going to squeeze out a black baby with her white lover.
A lying Native American drifter who can’t stop banging his war drum.
A woman who finds that she’s “bored” that her husband won’t cheat on her.
A woman who went from transgender to “transalien.”
A neocon writer who is just as bad as the French, which might be why he’s named after them.
A black presidential candidate who reminds you he’s black—in case you forget that he’s black.
An Irish presidential candidate who wants you to believe he’s Mexican.
A gay presidential candidate who thinks America is ready for a gay presidential candidate.
A black woman who accuses white people of stealing time.
A TV host who threatens to beat up people who say mean things about dumb Italians like him.
A gay man who falsely accused his partner of raping him because he needed the attention.
A biracial ex-NFL player who believes he’s Malcolm X.
A white man who says he’s an Asian trapped in a white body.
A Jewish comedian who wants to outlaw jokes about Jews.
A smelly Jewish man who blames his body odor on anti-Semitism.
A gay black Jewish actor who hired two burly African guys to pretend they were white Trump supporters who attempted to lynch him.
And finally, a woman who said she doesn’t believe men are women, then, to save face, lied and said she was a man who transformed into a woman, and then admitted she was just a woman after all when it became clear she was lying about being a man.
19. BETO O’ROURKE
Although he’s impressively annoying, I wanted him to wind up last here—just like he did in the polls.
Whatever you call him—Beto, Beta, Bitch-Tits—he’s a white man who pretends he’s Spanish, but in order to protect the poor Spanish-speaking peoples of southern Texas, he’s coming to take the white man’s guns and hand them over to the peace-loving brown people, who in all likelihood will promptly shoot him.
Beto could smell the winds of change. He could smell them strongly. At some point the stench became so unbearable that someone needed to open a window.
18. FREDY KOSMAN WEE
No annual list of annoying people would be complete without some guy falsely accusing another guy of raping him, which if you really think about it is sadder than if he’d actually been raped.
This year’s annoying-homo standard-bearer is Fredy Kosman Wee, whose name manages to be both gay and annoying. He also looks gayer than a sprig of artificial pink mistletoe. The squealing Indonesian gaybird called police three times to falsely accuse his lover of force-feeding him a sleeping pill and then raping him after he fell unconscious—an abominable act which, if it had only been true, would have been rude by all known standards. After his story fell apart like a virgin sphincter under a rigorous gang-pummeling, Fredy broke down and admitted he made it all up because he was absolutely furious his boyfriend wasn’t providing enough solace for an undisclosed medical condition which has to be AIDS because no one is afraid of disclosing any other medical conditions.
17. ED CASE
Although he looks every bit as white as you’d expect a guy named “Ed Case” to be, this Democratic Congressman from Hawaii stood up at some clearly racist event to celebrate racial pride among Asians and said that he felt like an “Asian trapped in a white body.” If he had only followed that up by jesting that he would gladly swap out two inches for 20 extra IQ points, that wouldn’t have been annoying at all. But groveling before racial identity groups is never attractive, Ed. NEVER.
16. MARTINA BIG
As if it wasn’t disgusting enough to surgically enhance her breasts to a zeppelin-sized 32S, this German woman and her preposterously adipose lover Michael Eurwen have been taking injections of a synthetic hormone called Melanotan that is turning her formerly fair skin into roughly the color of coal tar. Michael’s skin, however, might be so truly German that it is fighting off the black invaders. In 2018, Martina flew to Africa to be baptized as a “true African woman.” Now, just as all the other racial-dysmorphia casualties who’ve convinced themselves that they’re black, Martina says that a doctor has convinced her that any babies the couple has will be as shiny-black as Slappy White.
There is a chance that if they do indeed breed, their children will be born perfectly white. Their children may grow to despise their racially delusional parents, especially their attempts to birth their children in a toxic petri dish of self-hatred. There’s even a chance that their children may feel compelled to kill their parents. That isn’t a wish—more like a fantasy. But it’s probably likelier than the fantastic notion that their children will be born black.
15. BRITTNEY COOPER
In a field that was packed to the gills this year with annoying fat black women, it was hard to pick only one. Cooper is, to our knowledge, the only black woman who has ever been named “Brittney.” She is “an associate professor of women’s and gender studies and Africana studies” and recently gave a speech where she ululated that white people invented the concept of time as yet another lug wrench in their Evil Toolbox of Oppression:
…if time had a race, it would be white. White people own time.
She actually used this cockamamie accusation to excuse why there are pervasive stereotypes about black people always being late for everything.
Bitch, I ain’t got time for this.
14. YOSSI ADLER
Just as we enjoyed/suffered a surfeit of annoying fat black women this year, there was no shortage of Tribespeople who found a way to get on our last nerve: There was the Jewish couple who took money to live in Alabama and then complained about living in Alabama and the Canadian Jews who painted swastikas on their own restaurant.
But Yossi Adler takes the cake because there’s nothing worse than a smelly person who’s aggressively in denial of the fact that they’re smelly. According to a statement from American Airlines, “multiple passengers” complained on a flight from Miami about the father of nine’s almost predatory body odor. Faced with a flight full of people who said he emitted a very sharp and offensive smell, he denied the fact that anyone said that and instead suggested they were anti-Semitic.
One look at the guy and you can tell he stinks like a decaying eel. Accusations of anti-Semitism are the last refuge of smelly scoundrels.
13. KAZ JAMES
If you are familiar with “otherkin,” they are people who are so insane that they insist they are something other than people.
Kaz James is a 37-year-old store manager from Greater Manchester who, even though no dog in history has been able to articulate a cohesive sentence, says quite emphatically that he is a dog. He eats out of a dog bowl. He wears a fur suit that makes him look more doglike. He says he’s always acted like a dog: “I was known by my friends for saying hello to them by grabbing hold of the collar of their shirt in my teeth and biting or licking them, very canine-type behaviors.”
As far as I can tell, Kaz James is neither a mad dog nor a proper Englishman. Instead, he is a mad Englishman.
12. CLARE O’REILLY
Nothing makes a gal’s cooch dry up like the cacti of the Sonoran Desert quicker than a “nice” guy. Modern feminism teaches women that they want “nice” guys, but since ideology can, at best, only temporarily trump biology, these women inevitably wind up wishing that these men would ditch the niceness every so often and take them with the force of a barbarian army. Clare O’Reilly is just enough of a t-w-a-t that she went public actually complaining that she found the perfect feminist husband who is dutiful and loving and, I will assume, repulsively submissive both in and out of the boudoir.
Out loud and in front of the whole world, she proclaims that she wishes her nauseatingly nice-guy hubby would “lie, cheat, defame or slander just once.”
What’s his phone number? Let me have a talk with him. When I get done with him, he’ll insult you so thoroughly, you won’t be able to keep your hands off him.
11. JARETH NEBULA
I could simply say “Jareth Nebula” and walk away without needing to further justify this person/thing’s inclusion on this list.
Apparently it’s a girl who describes herself as “Trans/Agender, Demisexual/Graysexual, Blue Alien, MisfitGoth, Body Mods, Disabled, J-Fashion, Potato.”
She also wants you to know that she wishes to undergo nipple-removal surgery in order for her to feel more comfortable as her true self, which—duh!—is a “transalien.”
Girl, that’s transtarded. Go back to Mom and Dad and have them shove you in a dress and teach you how to play with dolls.
10. DAVID FRENCH
Again, as with the fat black women, readers this year suffered no famine of insufferable “conservative” scribes who have a deep cellular hatred for the very people whose interests they’re supposed to represent. David French is the pelican-faced creature who was suggested by Bill Kristol, without a hint of irony mind you, as a viable candidate to snatch the Republican nomination for president from Donald Trump.
Instead, French is taking a different approach—he wants to eliminate everyone who supported Donald Trump. “It’s time to declare war on white-nationalist terrorism,” he shrieked in National Review, which for years has been the go-to publication for white men with erectile-dysfunction issues. In TIME he warned of an “Alt-Right Virus Infecting America,” apparently unaware that a successful vaccine had been found long before he published the article.
David French, I don’t know if you’re actually French or if it’s more fake news, but I hate you as much as I hate them.
9. NATHAN PHILLIPS
What’s sadder than being a Native American?
Nothing, as far as I know.
Take a look at Nathan Phillips, the serial fabulist who nearly started yet another national race war early this year when the self-proclaimed Omaha Tribesman got up into the face of some white Catholic kids in Washington, DC and started beating his war drum. Nearly every last tidbit of Phillips’s account of that incident was proved to be false—every bit as false as the idea that Native Americans were peace-loving flower children when Paleface first arrived on their shores with the sole intention of harshing their mellow.
But Nathan Phillips, it is YOU who are the stone-cold bummer.
8. CORY BOOKER
I think he has AIDS. I have absolutely no proof of this, which is why I said “think.” But he’s supposedly a lifelong rump-wrangler, and this caramel-tinted failed presidential candidate has a terrified look in his eyes—the eyes of a man who has either stared the Grim Reaper in the eyes or stared at the word “POSITIVE” on HIV test results.
So my theory is that he’s terrified of the world knowing that he has AIDS. Combined with the fact that he’s not even a Harry Belafonte shade of black, this is why he focuses on black issues and white supremacy and how white supremacists are the number-one threat to black people and how black lives matter even though far more black people die of AIDS than from police shootings.
Plus, I’ve always hated the name “Cory.”
7. CARISSA PINKSTON
Talk about bending over backwards to kick yourself in the ass and being none the better for it!
Ms. Pinkston is a freckle-faced hi-yella Negress model who committed the mortal sin of saying on Facebook this past May that men who say they’re women really aren’t women.
Then, after being attacked with the wolverine intensity that only trannies can muster, she backpedaled and said that she was actually a male-to-female tranny and was merely lashing out due to the pain of a society that forces her to be in denial.
Then, when a friend said that she had always been a woman and is acting crazy, she laid on yet another layer of apologies, all while realizing she was only making things worse.
She is now forced to spend the rest of her life clumsily attempting to take her head out of her ass.
But when he appeared recently in front of the hatemongers at the ADL to declare that Big Tech needs to shut down all anti-Semitic hate speech and, although he didn’t use exactly these words, beat all anti-Semites to death with hammers in the streets while raping their women and stealing their children’s lunch money, he ceased being funny to us.
He actually said, and he didn’t appear to be joking, that if Adolf Hitler were alive today, Facebook would be partnering with him. If Cohen had a funny bone left in his body, that would be his next movie—with him as Hitler.
5. JESSICA YANIV
Born Jonathan Yaniv to a Jewish immigrant mother who enables him to the point that she probably still breast-feeds him, Yaniv recently earned international headlines for filing human-rights complaints with the British Columbia Human Rights Tribunal because a series of estheticians howled “Ew! No!” when he asked them to wax his testicles.
As a man who claims he’s a woman even though he still has balls to be waxed, Yaniv was mostly targeting immigrant women—actual women—with his complaints. He also has a weird tampon fetish and a predilection for sending pornographic voicemail messages to underage girls.
He’s easily the year’s most repulsive tranny, and that deserves an award of its own.
4. CHRIS CUOMO
This steroid-addled Ginzo’s entire shtick consists of little more than pawing at his crotch and saying, “Yo, Vinny—our president is a doosh!,” and yet CNN pays him to do it.
Because both his father and brother became governor of New York while he does nothing more than paw at his crotch for TV cameras, Chris is the weak link in the Cuomo family dynasty, and he’s painfully aware of it. So great is his pain that when when some heckler referred to him as “Fredo”—the weak link in the Corleone family dynasty in the Godfather movies, Cuomo was filmed threatening to throw the heckler down a flight of stairs for smearing him with the Italian equivalent of the “N” word.
That makes no sense, though. Who needs an Italian equivalent of the “N” word when you can just say “Italian” and people will know what you mean?
3. JUSSIE SMOLLETT
His name rhymes with “hussy” and is a nickname for “Justin,” a name which I’ve always found annoying, but not nearly as annoying as “Jussie.” So we’re not doing very well right out of the gate here.
He’s a gay black and rumored-to-be-Jewish actor who perpetrated the most high-profile hate-crime hoax in a country where such incidents are becoming as common as the Junior Prom.
He wanted a nation that was already weary of hate-crime hoaxes to believe that in the middle of a frigid winter night in a posh gay/black neighborhood in downtown Chicago, two white MAGA-hat-wearing, bleach-toting, noose-clutchin’ yahoos were roaming around just lookin’ to put a gay Negro actor in his place. His story fell apart more times than Judy Garland’s marriages, though, and even though he was arrested for filing a false police report he was later released and has not faced any of the sort of punishment I would personally enjoy watching him suffer.
2. COLIN KAEPERNICK
Is it legal for me to say that the white couple who adopted him should have murdered him? I’m not sure, so that’s why I’m asking.
What is this weird complex that half-breeds have that make them among the most dedicated racial-identity fanatics of ‘em all? I’d suspect it’s precisely because they are half-breeds and their fierce public displays of racial purity are at once a sad and hilarious display of both agony and insecurity.
Nothing Kaepernick says is true, every “injustice” he screams about ceased occurring long ago—that is, if it ever happened at all—he’s obviously deflecting from the fact that his days as a top-tier quarterback are long gone, and if he had any sense at all in the pillar of confusion that is his body, he’d spend at least a sliver of his $20 million fortune to get a nose job and a haircut.
1. PETE BUTTIGIEG
Hey, it’s “Mayor Pete”! He’s the first millennial homosexual mayor ever to make a serious bid for a major party’s nomination. He has never had an original idea in his life, and the only reason he’s gained any traction is because he’s an anus-nuzzling bone-polisher. Blacks don’t like him, Hispanics don’t like him, and radical homos think he’s too boring. Whenever this smarmy little vole starts pontificating about some policy issue or another, all the entire world can think about is that later tonight, he’ll be batting around his husband’s testicles as if they were ping-pong balls and his tongue was a paddle.
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