The Week’s Most Autistic, Fascistic, and Onanistic Headlines
LIAM NEESON’S RACIAL RAPE REVENGE FANTASY
Irish-born actor Liam Neeson is famous for saving Jews in Schindler’s List and for having a penis that is so large, celebrity slut Janice Dickinson compared it to an Evian bottle.
As of last week, though, he became famous for admitting he once had a raging desire to murder black men.
In a candid yet perhaps foolhardy interview with The Independent, the 66-year-old well-hung Jew-saver recalls an incident roughly forty years ago when a female friend told him she’d been raped by a black man, leading to a feral reaction on Neeson’s part:
I went out deliberately into black areas in the city, looking to be set upon so that I could unleash physical violence. I did it four, maybe four or five, times until I caught myself and it really shocked me, this primal urge….I went up and down areas with a cosh, hoping I’d be approached by somebody – I’m ashamed to say that – and I did it for maybe a week, hoping some ‘black bastard’ would come out of a pub and have a go at me about something, you know? So that I could [pause] kill him.
In a subsequent interview with ABC, Neeson denied that he’s a “racist”—whatever the heck that means—but that he was merely manifesting the perfectly understandable animal instinct to seek blood vengeance:
If she had said an Irish or a Scot or a Brit or a Lithuanian, I know it would have had the same effect. I was trying to show honor and stand up for my dear friend in this terrible medieval fashion.
An article on Yahoo! News about the controversy ends with a quote from a black soccer player saying that Neeson was merely reacting to what the media and society “wrongly” teach about blacks being disproportionately represented as rapists. As far as we know, the media and society are very careful to sidestep the statistical fact that blacks are absurdly overrepresented in rape stats.
THE WORLD’S FIRST ALL-GIRL BOY SCOUT TROOP In news that is likely to upset the corpse of Lord Baden-Powell, the Boy Scouts of America have dropped the “Boy” from their name and are now allowing all-girl troops to flourish beneath their increasingly stretched-out umbrella.
The organization—which has been rocked with sex-abuse scandals since the 1970s and finally succumbed to pressure to allow gay scouts in 2013 and gay scout leaders in 2015, as if that was going to stop the sex scandals—has rebranded as “Scouts BSA,” with the “BSA” confoundingly still standing for “Boy Scouts of America.”
Despite this apparent move toward gender-blurring, troops will still be segregated by gender. Last Saturday in Washington, DC, more than two dozen all-girl troops containing nearly 200 all-new girl Scouts took the pledge.
Showing no signs of seeking gender unity or equality, neo-Boy Scout Tatiana Johnson, an 11-year-old girl, boasted that the switch “brings unity to the female gender.” She was wearing a T-shirt that said, “Anything boys can do girls can do better.”
Seriously? How about power-lifting? Boxing? Inventing things? Dying younger? Getting screwed in legal proceedings with the opposite sex? To our knowledge, boys do all those things far better than girls do.
The Girl Scouts still exist as an organization and released a statement showing they are none too pleased with the new girl Boy Scouts:
The Boy Scouts’ house is on fire. Instead of addressing systemic issues of continuing sexual assault, financial mismanagement and deficient programming, BSA’s senior management wants to add an accelerant to the house fire by recruiting girls.
At press time, it is unclear whether the perennially beloved Girl Scout Cookies are in the midst of transitioning their gender.
EX-NEW YORK TIMES EDITOR ACCUSED OF PLAGIARISM IN BOOK ABOUT TRUTHFUL REPORTING
Although many consider The New York Times to be the gold standard regarding honest American journalism, The Old Grey Lady has been lying her ass off at least since Walter Duranty won a Pulitzer Prize for denying the Holodomor back in the early 1930s.
In 2014, the Times fired their first female editor, some hag named Jill Abramson, after she falsely claimed she was being underpaid due to “sexism,” only to replace her with a black guy.
Abramson now has a new book out called Merchants of Truth: The Business of News and the Fight for Facts, in which she allegedly scolds outlets such as VICE media for being factually and editorially inept. That’s all nice and everything, except for the fact that her new book liberally plagiarizes multiple passages from writers at VICE and others.
It is our recommendation that this time around, Abramson should also blame anti-Semitism as well as sexism. It would be the journalistic thing to do.
FEDS SPEND A QUARTER-MILLION TO STUDY OBESE LESBIANS OF COLOR
In 2015 it was revealed that the National Institutes of Health soaked American taxpayers to the tune of $3.5 million merely to discern why lesbians tend to be big fat hogs whereas gay men tend to stay in shape. The five-year study’s searingly intellectual conclusion was that, compared to straight men and lesbians, gay men have a “greater desire for toned muscles.”
We could have told you that for ten bucks.
Now comes news that the feds will rape taxpayers for $228,636 to continue wondering why lesbians—specifically the nonwhite ones—are prone to stuffing their faces with anything but penises.
According to the grant proposal:
Young adult lesbian women are twice as likely to be overweight and obese as their heterosexual peers and Black women are similarly more likely to be obese than White women. Despite well documented disparities in binge eating, little is known about contributing factors in lesbian women, and in particular racial minorities….Race, eating-related factors, and sexual minority-specific factors may also moderate daily associations, but have not been fully explored….In particular, implications of having intersecting sexual- and racial-minority identities (i.e., being a Black lesbian woman) on binge eating have yet to be considered.
Without all the gobbledygook, we could have answered this one for the price of a Big Mac: Nonwhite lesbians eat too much because they’re unhappy.
COLLEGE NEWSPAPERS’ WAR ON WHITE BOYS
Since American campuses represent the vanguard against racism in America, they are busily staffing their college newspapers with black female columnists who commit blood libel against white males.
If Isis Davis-Marks had been left to fend for herself back in the Motherland, she’d be eating dirt and swatting at tsetse flies. Instead, she suffers the grave misfortune of attending Yale University in white supremacist America. In an essay for Yale Daily News titled “Evil is Banal”—a mangled rip-off of a Hannah Arendt title—she apparently equates “white boys” with evil:
Everyone knows a white boy with shiny brown hair and a saccharine smile that conceals his great ambitions….When I’m watching the white boy — who is now a white man by this point — on CNN, I’ll remember a racist remark that he said, an unintentional utterance that he made when he had one drink too many at a frat party during sophomore year….I can’t let things slip by. I’m watching you, white boy. And this time, I’m taking the screenshot.
Ten bucks says the white boy won’t be watching Miss Isis, although he probably should—her intentions seem, oh, what’s the word—evil?
I am so g****mned tired of listening to white boys. I cannot describe to you how frustrating it is to be forced to listen to a white boy explain his take on the Black experience in the Obama-era. Hey Brian, I’m an actual Black woman alive right now with a brain…. So, should white boys still be allowed to share their “opinions”? Should we be forced to listen? In honor of Black History Month, I’m gonna go with a hell no.
After reading this horrifyingly problematic racist screed, we might be persuaded to believe that Leda Fisher should not be allowed to eat.