The Week’s Most Spaying, Splaying, and Enola Gaying Headlines GOO GOO G’JEWB When Fran Drescher was elected president of SAG-AFTRA, it was only because people with more annoying voices were unavailable. Gilbert Gottfried and Screech are dead, and being Canadian, Geddy Lee’s ...
The Week’s Most Lean, Mean, and Augustine Headlines WELL, BLOW ME DOWNTOWN June 2021, Downtown L.A.—A Mexican had been stockpiling illegal fireworks (the only thing Mexis love more than drunk driving is setting off fireworks; the Mexican dream is driving drunk in a car that shoots off ...
The Week’s Most Spiking, Striking, and Skirt-Hiking Headlines NONTRANSFERABLE NON-SKILLS The Writers Guild strike is like a Rocky IV alternate ending. Drago says, “I must break you,” Rocky says, “Go for it,” and Drago KOs him with one punch. The writers who created the race-over-quality ...
The Week’s Most Knowing, Crowing, and Beachgoing Headlines WILLY WONKKKA Last week the trailer for the new Willy Wonka prequel had its world premiere. Wonka stars delicate androgyne Timothée Chalamet as a young version of the eccentric chocolatier made famous by Gene Wilder (or as anyone under ...
The Week’s Most Swaying, Slaying, and Dog Daying Headlines INDIANA JONES AND THE HOLOCAUST OF INEVITABILITY Way to go, Indy. You saved Hitler. Again. In Raiders of the Lost Ark, Hitler insists on being the first to open the Ark, and if Indy had let that happen, Adolf and the entire Nazi ...
The Week’s Most Shirkin’, Twerkin’, and Fireworkin’ Headlines COMPAÑÍA DE TRES Immigration’s taken a terrible toll on American farce. Three’s Company was a pre-diversity TV show in which every episode revolved around a character misreading a situation and never asking for ...
The Week’s Most Prissy, Hissy, and Solstice-y Headlines POSTHOLIDAY BLUES (AND BLACKS) Juneteenth occupies a unique place among holidays and celebrations. With Halloween, for example, the decorations go up a month before October 31st. And on November 1st, everything’s forgotten, as folks move ...
The Week’s Leaniest, Meaniest, and Juneteeniest Headlines HE WUZ KANG With a million multiple universes, you’d think Marvel could find one with a black supervillain. It’s not like it’s so rare in ours. But just as Marvel launched the franchise for black supervillain “Kang,” actor ...
The Week’s Most Heavy Lossing, Cookie Tossing, and Betsy Rossing Headlines STATUES OF LIMITATION Where are climate activists with paint cans when you need them? The deification of blacks has turned into statuary rape. Last week in the Netherlands, a thirteen-foot statue was erected outside ...
The Week’s Most Heart-Tugging, Big-Lugging, and June-Bugging Headlines WITH FIENDS LIKE THESE There’s an old joke about a passerby who sees a Jewish man walking what appears to be a dachshund. The passerby approaches and says, “Can I pet your dog?” “Oy,” the Jew replies, “I ...
