Give the Bigots a Pill

Get in line, all ye racists"€”they have a pill for you now. Last week, several supposedly respectable websites erupted in a blinding sunshower of bigot-hating joy at a recent Oxford University study involving a common blood-pressure pill called Propranolol. Headlines said the study proves the ...

Keep Your Ovaries Out of Our Wallets

The wombs of America's women are in the spotlight once again. At a mock hearing arranged by DC Democrats in February, a lantern-jawed 30-year-old law student named Sandra Fluke (pronounced "€œFluck"€) predicted a looming Ovarian Holocaust among her sob sisters at school because the Catholic ...

Brandon White

The Gang That Couldn’t Punch Straight

Is it ever permissible to find a "€œhate crime"€ funny? Granted, "€œfunny"€ is in the eye of the beholder, and I"€™d wager that any pair of eyeballs not irreparably stained by armchair sadism would likely not find the attack itself to be a laugh riot. What I find hysterical here ...

Argumentum ad Fox Newsem

I haven"€™t had a sip of alcohol in thirty years and I"€™ve never been fond of hanging out with retarded people, but if one is foolish enough to establish any presence whatsoever on social media, it's mathematically impossible to avoid people who act drunk and retarded. One is undeniably ...

Losing Interest in Attention Deficit Disorder

I guess I haven’t been paying attention, but it looks as if a lot of you haven’t been paying attention. During an online forum discussion the other day, after I’d asked some guy about the 139-word sentence he’d just written, he revealed to me—and all the world—that he had ADHD. Within ...

Cynthia Nixon

Homosexuality: What’s Choice Got to Do With it?

The Pink Mafia’s tirelessly active activists recently upbraided former Sex and the City actress Cynthia Nixon for insisting that her switch from a heterosexual lifestyle to a lesbian one was a matter of personal choice. Previously, Nixon had spent 15 years with a man. She even popped out two of ...

La Torre de Babel

Alejandrina Cabrera was born and raised in America and graduated in the 1980s from the same Arizona public high school as former UFC heavyweight champion Cain “Brown Pride” Velasquez. On Wednesday a judge in Yuma County—a flat, sun-murdered vacuity in the Grand Canyon State’s dusty ...

A Human Centipede of Envy

No one ever enjoys having memes belched in their face, but Lord above please toss me into the Lake of Fire if it didn’t happen to me twice last week. It was the same prepackaged, bundled, bar-coded, and bubble-wrapped meme, too—twice in two days. As if my antagonists were acting on command from ...

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

I’m So Bored With MLK

I had a dream I stood on the mountaintop and puked. As we all gather around the Guilt Pole to commemorate Martin Luther King’s approximate birthday, 94% of Americans agree that he was a mighty swell fella. That’s a tremendous shift from the last few years of MLK’s life, when never more than a ...

A Clockwork Orange County

If all you ever did was watch TV—which is all that many Americans ever do—you’d think that Orange County, CA is so squeaky-clean, it actually squeaks. It’s where Mickey Mouse lives. It’s where real housewives have fake problems. Where every day’s a perfect day. Where ...