Joe Bob Briggs

Joe Bob Briggs

Joe Bob Briggs is the drive-in movie critic of Grapevine, Texas, currently resident in New York City, where his pop culture commentary appears in print, on television and at various dive bars that defy the modern world by allowing the smoking of cigars.

Joe Bob's America

This Guy Really Needs a Lawyer So Let’s Not Give Him One

Jul 18 2019

KANSAS CITY—If you asked any American in, say, 1963 what he thought of the right to legal counsel, you would have gotten a 99 percent

Cultural Caviar

Baristas Are Slowly Going Insane

Jul 11 2019

JACKSONVILLE—First Starbucks had that incident in Philadelphia where two guys were arrested, in handcuffs, for loitering in a Starbucks, raising the philosophical question: Is it


If You Don’t Shut Up, I’m Gonna Blockchain Your Ass

Jul 04 2019

PITTSBURGH—Guys, you’re probably wondering what you get for your five mil when you buy into Whistlestop Zulu, and the answer is Blockchain On Steroids. We’ve

Cultural Caviar

J. Frank Dobie

Goddammit, Don, Too Soon. Too Soon.

Jun 27 2019

PHOENIX—The last time I saw Don Graham, we were talking about all the Canadian students at the University of Texas who come down to Austin

Cultural Caviar

My Byline Is Joe Bob By-God Briggs

Jun 20 2019

CHICAGO—We used to make fun of anybody who would be so arrogant as to put a byline on his own article. In fact, it was

Cultural Caviar

I Could Have Been Such a Charming Serial Killer

Jun 13 2019

CLEVELAND—Back in my acting days, I always wanted to be cast as the boyfriend/husband/charming-stranger-from-out-of-town in a Lifetime Movie of the Week. Who wouldn’t want that

Cultural Caviar

So Now Amsterdam Hates Tourists? Fine.

Jun 06 2019

NEW YORK—The goddamn foreigners are trampling the tulips in Bollenstreek. Yes, that’s what I said. Amsterdam has decided to stop advertising itself as a tourist

Cultural Caviar

Stop Lying and Eat Your Salad

May 30 2019

HOUSTON—If it doesn’t come from an animal—or, I guess, if you wanna get technical and include Soylent Green in our definition, an animal or a

Cultural Caviar

Is There a Vaccine for Vaccine-Haters?

May 23 2019

NASHVILLE—If you go to Trenton, the capital of New Jersey, and you look around the streets behind the Capitol, you might stumble upon a curious

Joe Bob's America

No Thanks, I’ll Skip the Asian Raccoon Feces in My $75 Espresso

May 16 2019

SYRACUSE, N.Y.—Over this past weekend there were exactly five places in Southern California where you could show up to exercise your Insane Hipster Street Cred.

Cultural Caviar

When You Can’t Hold Your Horses

May 09 2019

DALLAS—Millions of two-dollar bettors became experts on the rules of horse racing over the weekend after Maximum Security, a handsome bay colt with a white

Cultural Caviar

Samsung Sero

You, Too, Can Live Inside Your Phone

May 02 2019

LONDON, Ontario—The great thing about living among Canadians for a few days is that they don’t have an app for everything. They still answer their

Cultural Caviar

Graceland, Memphis

Heartbreak Luxury Hotels

Apr 25 2019

CHARLOTTE, N.C.—The lawyers and CPAs who run Elvis Presley Enterprises have been threatening the city of Memphis for the past two years with plans to


Jack Ma

The Joe Bob Briggs 168-Hour Workweek

Apr 18 2019

MADISON, Miss.—Jack Ma, founder of Alibaba, is a big believer in the twelve-hour workday and the six-day workweek. He’s basically a guy who forgot to

Cultural Caviar

Take My Wives, Please

Apr 11 2019

MILWAUKEE—There’s never been a better time to be a polygamist. All over Africa and the Middle East they’re loosening up the laws so that a


Hudson Yards

See NYC! Admission Price $11!

Apr 04 2019

NEW YORK—March 1, 2018, will go down as the day New York officially became a Museum City. I don’t mean a city full of great

Joe Bob's America

Forget the Mueller Report, I Want the Ames Report

Mar 28 2019

NEW YORK—So after two years of Mueller Reporting, what we know is: (a) Everything worth knowing was leaked to The New York Times in real

Joe Bob's America

Facebook Might Decide You’re a Hater

Mar 21 2019

AUSTIN, Tex.—Austin is the only city in America where Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez could speak—as she did last week at the South by Southwest Festival—and listeners

Joe Bob's America

Poles Are for Penguins and Polar Bears

Mar 14 2019

COLUMBUS, OH—Let’s talk about this word polarization. There’s no such thing. Stop saying it. Nobody lives at the poles except polar bears and penguins, and

Cultural Caviar

The Atheists Get Cross-Eyed

Mar 07 2019

NEW YORK—Seven miles down the road from the Supreme Court—about a 15-minute taxi ride—is a 40-foot concrete World War I memorial known as the Peace

Cultural Caviar

You People Need to Get Nekkid

Feb 28 2019

NEW YORK—Somebody finally found a decent explanation for why people under 30 are so goldurn grumpy. They’re not having sex. Kate Julian, a senior editor


Gillette Can Kiss My Smooth Cheeks

Feb 21 2019

NEW YORK—The Gillette Fusion5 ProShield is such an amazing razor that I’m willing to stand in the middle of CVS Pharmacy and wait as long

Cultural Caviar

Dusky Gopher Frog

The Dusky Gopher Frog and Me

Feb 14 2019

NEW YORK—Ever since his setback before the Supreme Court, I’ve been walking around New York City looking for inviting mud puddles where the Dusky Gopher

Cultural Caviar

Julie Adams

Julie Adams Made the World Safe for Teenage Monsters

Feb 07 2019

DALLAS—Not long ago, at a little horror convention in New Jersey, I hosted interviews with some of the most famous stunners in B-movie history—all of

Cultural Caviar

Abraham Lincoln

The Covington Smile Is the Mona Lisa of 2019 America

Jan 31 2019

DALLAS—Whoever took the photo of the Covington Catholic High School kid holding that painful smile during the face-down with the Omaha tribal elder at the

Cultural Caviar

I Decide Who Gets Into College

Jan 24 2019

NEW YORK—Okay, the easiest solution to this whole college admissions controversy is to send all the applications to me and I’ll go through them and