The Week’s Pearliest, Whirliest, and Churliest Headlines NEW YORK TIMES: SEXUAL ASSAULT IS NO BIG DEAL In a move that will shock and traumatize those who have been victimized by sexual assault—as well as all those who pretend to have been thusly victimized—The New York Times recently ...
The Week’s Most Accidental, Detrimental, and Unsentimental Headlines LESBIAN PENGUINS IN LONDON ACCUSED OF RAISING A GENDER-NEUTRAL CHICK As we all know—under threat of death or castration—gender is a meaningless social construct, whereas sexual orientation is spot-welded into your DNA. ...
The Week’s Most Solid, Stolid, and Squalid Headlines JACK GETS HACKED: TWITTER CEO’S ACCOUNT PRAISES HITLER, DROPS N-BOMB Jack Dorsey is the CEO of the well-past-its-prime social-media titan Twitter. He does things such as meditating in caves and sporting a beard that makes him look like a ...
The Week’s Most Unnecessary, Involuntary, and Unsanitary Headlines TUCKER CARLSON’S RATINGS REMAIN STRONG AFTER HE CALLED WHITE SUPREMACY A “HOAX” Tucker Carlson is the only cable news host we can think of without wanting to immediately vomit. It doesn’t matter whether it’s Chris ...
The Week’s Most Hedonic, Demonic, and Sardonic Headlines NEW YORK TIMES ANNOUNCES SWITCH OF EDITORIAL FOCUS FROM RUSSIAN COLLUSION HOAX TO WHITE SUPREMACY HOAX We’re not even going to check his Wikipedia page to verify ethnicity, but from what we can tell, The New York Times’ executive ...
The Week’s Sweatiest, Pettiest, and Readiest Headlines WHY CHRIS CUOMO NEEDS TO LEGALLY CHANGE HIS NAME TO “FREDO” In perhaps what is the most significant event for the Italian-American community since Sylvester Stallone decided to sing the theme song to Paradise Alley, CNN anchor Chris ...
The Week’s Most Imbecilic, Coprophilic, and Pedophilic Headlines BOY SCOUTS: A NEST OF PEDOS? The Boy Scouts of America are involved in a decades-long attempt to conceal a “pedophilia epidemic within their organization,” according to a group of lawyers who filed a suit Tuesday against the ...
The Week’s Sickest, Slickest, and Thickest Headlines SEXUAL PSYCHOPATH JEFFREY EPSTEIN WANTS TO SEED THE PLANET WITH HIS JIZZ According to songwriter Burt Bacharach, what the world needs now is love, sweet love; according to astronomically wealthy pedophile Jeffrey Epstein, what the world needs ...
The Week’s Most Addictive, Constrictive, and Vindictive Headlines FEMALE POLITICIAN’S HATE-CRIME HOAX UNRAVELS QUICKER THAN SHE CAN SCREAM, “RACIST!!!” Erica Thomas is an aggressively dumb and juvenile black woman in Georgia with peroxided hair that’s only a quarter of an inch long, so ...
The Week’s Most Candid, Underhanded, and Reprimanded Headlines TRUMP GOES FULL PIRANHA AGAINST COLORED CONGRESSWOMEN Despite the fact that he’s raised the debt and failed to build a wall and has proved to be Israel’s bitch, Donald Trump will occasionally do something that reminds us of why ...
